Live Life In Wonder

Coming soon, a birthday and new thumbs Part IV

2012-03-05T14:17:00.004-05:00

My family and I appreciate the prayers and words of support that came after my last post. All the stories that found their way to my email inbox sharing their own experiences meant so much to me and I read every single one. There is camaraderie in suffering. And I say thanks to those that came out of their own corner to show me I am not alone.

Let's catch up this 'ol blog space of mine on other things...

Our house for sale: It's not even spring, prime time real estate season yet and lots of interest on our house right now. The word on the street is four different families have it on their top 3 favorites list, so says the newsfeed anyways. But no solid offers coming in yet. I call our place 'The Almost Sold House'. This feels good and frustrating. It's like we're there but not ever arrived. And when patience emptys out I just take another look and I *sigh* in a happy way and think, "That's ok, I don't mind living here a little longer." This house has been a dream come true for me. I am happy to call it home for as long as I can, just as long as it's not another 6 months *wink*.

Cayman: She turns four years old on Thursday!

We had her party this past Sunday. Four seems so big to me and I swear we just had her 3rd birthday not that long ago. Those first beginning years really felt slow. So many proclaimed they could hardly believe she was turning one already, and then two. I felt like it had been so many more years than just those few. But those years were filled with a lot of out-of-the-ordinary for us - introduction to big medical diagnoses, several emergency surgeries, 3 moves, change of job for Mike. And when there is so much change, adjustments required of you, life seems to travel at a different speed - slower, more noticed, because change makes things brand new and senses become electrified in the presence of the unfamiliar. But when life is sitting all smug, cruising along on a normalcy path that is when time goes by unnoticed. Before you know it "BAM", a whole year has passed by! And that is what the year from age 3 to 4 was like. And although we have known some change this past year - Mike started a new job and our house is for sale - but really the routine at home has stayed the same for me. Cayman has her same therapy agenda, preschool attendance, same travel route to doctor appointments. And this blessed feeling of routine I appreciate comes with a price - life whizzing on by. And my little Cayman is turning 4 already! Oh my!

And on Friday, the next day, she is scheduled for her thumb surgery. This is only about the 3rd time this surgery has been rescheduled for her. So hopefully it will actually be taking place this time. I like surgery best in hindsight perspective than on the horizon. I would like to get it over with for her. Plus it's an accomplishing feeling to have this one added to her insignia badge of operations. When she arrived to this world there was a list of things to be spruced up on her and this one is the last one on that list. See why that feels good?

In case you missed it, or need a refresher, here's a recap on what this thumb surgery for her is all about:

On her right thumb...

The no-good-for-anything extra bone will be removed. That bump has been sitting over top the joint preventing it from being able to bend. Although once removed it is very unlikely her joint will be able to function regardless. An x-ray connotes a calcified joint. It's worth a try though but mostly this portion of the fixing will likely be ranked "cosmetic". With a playful frown turned into an adoring little smile Mike and I kiss Cayman's bump, preparing to say good-bye. It's a part of her. It's all we've ever known of her right thumb to be and we love it! To cut it away feels like saying good-bye to a piece of her. Weird, we are, I know. It's not like that bump is attractive or anything. To get rid of it for reasons of functionality is a no-brainer, absolutely! But cosmetically, the thought leaves me slightly saying "Awww" nostalgically. But we felt Cayman may appreciate going through life omitting the numerous of times she would hear her peers ask, "What is that bump on your thumb?". Certainly there is nothing wrong with asking such questions. We've answered them many of times ourselves for people and we have never minded once. But it is repetitive. And to a kid growing up with enough challenges as there are, let's just eliminate this one while she's in surgery already getting the other thumb operated on for bigger reasons.

Which brings me to that other thumbkin of hers - the left one...

If you abduct your thumb, move it away from your index finger you'll see a tendon pop out from the thumb and travel down toward the wrist. Cayman's body never formed this tendon, for whatever reason. She is limited in the ways she can move her left thumb due to this. When she was born her thumb stayed pressed into the palm of her hand so deep an indentation formed. With the help of soft braces and kinesio taping for 2 1/2 years, improvements shined and now her thumb rests at a more neutral placement but still limited in a range of motion. And since God was so generous to give the index fingers two tendons the doctor is going to borrow one from Cayman's pointer finger and move it to her thumb. And with some occupational therapy she should be able to gain function of her thumb like she's never had before. It sounds exciting, doesn't it?? What a great time to be living with all the accomplishments modern medicine gives us!

So this surgery is to take place on friday *fingers crossed*. Cayman will have a soft bandage for a few days over the thumb with the extracted bump. And a hard cast for a month on the arm with the thumb gifted with a tendon. Surgery is expected to be quick, not much over an hour. And it is also outpatient. Sounds easy breezy, wouldn't you say? I always listen to it when that fact is present but always wait to believe it until I see it. I brace myself for the discomfort and pain that can accompany the recovery phase and the loopy, lousy state from anesthesia is not a favorite either. There is a certain form of entertainment in the pre-surgery room when Cayman receives a relaxant though. She's all high and goofy. Strange, strange it is to giggle so much in a solemn place like a pre-surgery corridor. But then again, this surgery kind of stuff isn't so brand new to us and there's always a small measure of slack in the nerves with familiarity.

I will keep you posted on that surgery and how it goes.

Thumbs, Part I

Thumbs, Part II

Thumbs, Part III

To Know the Wholeness of Freedom

2012-03-02T07:06:00.008-05:00

I heard the analogy once that like a mobile, life hangs still when all is calm and normal. But when knocked it wobbles and wiggles out of control until it finds that balance of normalcy and hangs still again.

That is where we are - the mobile is wobbling.

I've been in a funk. I have been trying to process my voided heart. I hurt, my family hurts, and it's hard and plain sucks watching the people I love best hurt gravely.

That's where I have been, why I have been so absent. Hiding. Words have been hazy and I am not even sure how deep to share about this matter over my parents' 34 years of marriage coming to an end.

For clarity, it's really not the end that has me shaken. It's the realization that an end does not guarantee the beginning. We've been hidden under more than 2 decades of abuse. And it's a terrifying feeling as we trek new territory now, taking a stand against it, and trying to gain freedom from its defile.

It's important to me to honor even my most difficult parent - my dad - regardless of all the pain he inflicts. But even in writing that statement I feel I am doing wrong. Yet aren't these my feelings? And I do believe I am entitled to them. But it's taking a lot of time to undo the entanglement of the lies that got inside my head and messed with the wiring to my thoughts.

I have so much room in my heart for my dad but I ran out of room for his abuse a long time ago. I am grateful to my mom for showing me, showing us, we don't have to keep making room and tolerating the misapplication of his position. It took courage, a lot of courage, for Mom the day she moved out. That very difficult step taken opened my family to a possibility we've never known before. To walk into a light of freedom. To each find our way to fullness in our individuality. Mom is an incredible and strong woman. Corny as it may sound, she is my hero for it. And you know, we all hoped we would find Dad following shortly behind, making his way toward freedom too. Because an abuser is a prisoner himself. We hoped to see a friendship be rebuilt between us all. But the abuse has not ceased.

I see fully for the first time just how much pain we have all been carrying for so long. It's a crazy experience to play your life in rewind and see that the happy family you always thought you were, it was not that way at all. I thought, like all family's we were in the same fight for functionality and love. Everyone has problems, we were no different than the next.

But I see when I look at my siblings' faces and on Mom's, we were puppets, controlled and told what to do. We served out of fear. We obeyed out of fear. There was no respect. Dad demanded it yet he couldn't give it nor earn it. His motive was to subjugate us through the use of fear, humiliation, verbal and, on a few occasions, physical assaults. We were violated and stripped of individuality, and rights and thoughts to have of our own. Total submission.

As long as we did all that, home was "happy" and "good", brainwashed to think so.

My desire here is not to speak ill words of my dad but to express a bit of what I am going through. For I understand that emotions cannot be suppressed or thus we will never know ourselves well and interpret why we think as we do, doomed to repeat poor behavior. It's important to look deep into the facts. And the facts are my dad was abusive. And I hurt. To those that know him, how shocking this is to hear. He speaks kind and gentle in public, tells people only what he wants them to know, whatever it takes to make himself look good. Those around him know only the lies he has fed them, the same lies he has fed himself. They did not live with him. They were not there to experience his manipulation and the damage that is done on a heart when love is distorted in such a way.

We heard it countless of times - acclamations of change. And each time it was going to be different than the last. And we accepted with yearning hearts and the cycle continued. But not this time, even as the verbal declarations of promise continue. Regardless of a tiny yearning that may still be left inside us that wants to believe, to accept, but thank God there is an "enough is enough" option. For I do believe anybody can change but we have learned, words are not enough. It takes real commitment and years of therapy to change such ingrained behaviors. And sometimes medication too.

I pause to feel the truth of these words and my body shivers like I am cold. And I wonder if that publish button should be pushed on this post? I have never been so open about my family's dysfunctions before. And to be frank, it's very uncomfortable and frightening, and I'm worried what will others think. Plus, I do not wish to hurt my father. Interesting it is to me, that regardless of all the pain he has caused I still do not want to bring pain to him. My heart knows forgiveness towards him. It also knows forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship, where trust can be made new. Not instantaneously, that's for sure.

There is a weight of like a gazillion rocks on us. We hope with prayerful hearts the cycle will be broken and finally we can all find ourselves fully, not lost in fear anymore, the way God has always intended it to be. As I look ahead moving in that direction, every so often I catch myself glancing over my shoulder looking back, still hoping I'll see Dad making his way to freedom also.

If you feel so inclined, my whole family would covet your prayers during this time!

Hold the Housework

2012-02-13T21:03:00.004-05:00

Lots of house showings lately like as in 4 within 5 days!

It had me rebelling housework today on this day off.

I didn't make a single bed, dirty dishes piled, toys strung about everywhere, mail unopened. I did not lift a finger to any of it.

Today was about something else entirely different, grateful that it could be because you see, I've been missing them, my little people, an awful lot. Funny how that is for I am with them all day still, yet they don't have Mommy like it use to be before this arduous house selling process began. I am feeling weary and want it to be over badly so I can get back to raising my babies.

I am grateful for today. It was a lighter day on the agenda.

And that felt good.

The Imperfect Me

2012-02-12T21:47:00.007-05:00

Someone once said, "There is something so charming about tattling on ones self."

So I thought I'd give it a try.

Here goes.

This weekend...

I talked mindlessly and spastically over the demands on my daily life.

Complained a lot!

I played with my children but just wasn't feeling the spark of enjoyment in it that's usually there.

I was snippy to my husband.

Did not live in the moment.

Felt tired.

Unlovable.

Doubtful to myself.

I did nothing creative.

I griped.

I grumbled.

I cried.

I yelled.

Felt guilty for...

griping.

grumbling.

crying.

and yelling.

Yes, I was the best version of an imperfect me.

Just wanted you to know that I am not perfect.

Photo A Day, No. 41 - Stalking My House

2012-02-10T21:50:00.002-05:00

Driving around the block

the kids and I,

wondering if I can go

back home yet.

Cars in the driveway.

Nope, people are still there.

I hope they like my house

enough they want to buy it.

Strange it is to me that

I will be letting this place go.

I love it so much!

Even stranger it is

to have people at my house

when I am not home!

Photo A Day, No. 40 - Infected Throat and Ear

2012-02-09T16:27:00.003-05:00

The kids crashed after another long day. (Me too!) Frustration loomed. I had all these plans organized to help keep me on track of the high demands on this week - three house showings, a trip to Ann Arbor for a doctor appointment, handling things on the home front solo with Mike gone, and more. But when Cayman began to run a fever this morning so much came to a halt. I nabbed the only available time the pediatrician had in her day's schedule. I threw myself together without grabbing a shower, and packed up the kids and the ginormous diaper bag for the longer trips. Away we went spending another day gone from home getting nothing else done. A prescription written for an infected throat and ear constituted the necessity to cancel Cayman's thumb surgery which would have been on Monday. We wait to hear on the rescheduled date.

Photo A Day, No. 39 - Cayman's Eye Appointment

2012-02-08T23:00:00.001-05:00

Mike left on a business trip this morning. I left with the kids for Ann Arbor. Cayman returned to the eye doctor. Strabismus surgery was a "wonderful success" the doctor said! Her eyes are aligning correctly. Her vision has not improved but it has not gotten worse either. I was also delighted to hear we do not need to resume patching. Just only wear the glasses and return in 9 months! Phew, that feels easy! Kobe even got himself a complimentary eye exam just because the doctor is that caring and passionate for children's vision. The earlier impairments are detected the better chance of reversing it. And Kobe checked out with flying colors!

Photo A Day, No. 38 - Time Together

2012-02-07T23:00:00.003-05:00

So little one on one time we have but this evening we pushed the schedule to make it happen. Staying up way later than we should with a busy, early morning on the horizon for the both of us. But it was perfect, talking and laughing like we haven't gotten to do in so long. We had one rule, to not talk about agendas, or exhaustion, or work, or anything of the sorts. Had to just be fun stream of conscious conversation which turned out to be quite an amusing night. Mike was taken back to a childhood memory of his. One summer at church camp in a water drinking contest he won by his staggering ability to chug water omitting the action of swallowing. He just opened his mouth and poured it on down. Well I couldn't believe it was possible to do that, especially without drowning yourself! Mike grew curious to see if he still had it! So there we were, way passed bedtime, standing in the kitchen, him chugging water, me watching. I laughed so hard!! For the record it was not a success and his shirt took the blunder. So do not listen to Mike when he tells his story, that his shirt was wet because I drooled on him. Now you know the truth. He is no longer the water chugging champion. :)

Photo A Day, No. 37 - Cayman's Valentines

2012-02-06T15:44:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Wendi for the inspiration.

Photo A Day, No. 36 - Super Bowl Sunday

2012-02-05T22:40:00.002-05:00

I saw a commercial for Taco Bell's steak nachos. The advertisement worked! It got me wanting some. Therefore, we had a Taco Bell dinner at home while watching the Super Bowl.

Photo A Day, No. 35 - The Sanding Step

2012-02-04T22:39:00.002-05:00

It's been busy, busy, busy around here. And all I have wanted to do is work on my schoolhouse chairs. And finally this afternoon me and an electric sander had some fun.

Photo A Day, No. 34 - Fish Fry

2012-02-03T22:38:00.002-05:00

Dinner at the Fishy Fry tonight. And the notorious carpeted platform that attracts all the kids to play all over it. I was happy I could contribute two little munchkins of my own crawling about out there.

Photo(s) A Day, No. 33 - Books and Noses

2012-02-02T22:34:00.005-05:00

Two favorites of the day to choose from...

Nah, just pick both, I decided.

The first...

Cayman blew her nose!!

She's got gunky stuff up there.

I held a tissue to her nose,

told her to blow,

just like always.

But this time,

she did!

It was not a hurricane blow

by any means.

Nothing even hard enough

to clear said junk out.

But she blew her nose!

I am a crazy, crazy proud mama!

My child learned to blow her nose

and it's Photo of the Day worthy!

Oh yes it was!

Humor me will ya (?)

and just smile.

Mail is usually not very much fun.

Junk mail - it wastes my time.

Bills - there's so many!

But when a package arrives,

the love of mail is HUGE!

And today, 3 of my photo books arrived!

Yippee!

Photo A Day, No. 32 - Baby Monitors

2012-02-01T22:29:00.002-05:00

My babies are always next to me even when they're not right there.

Photo A Day, No. 31 - Kobe's Ear Infections

2012-01-31T22:20:00.001-05:00

All that crying and rough few days he's been having was contributed by sore ears. :( An infection in the left one, redness in the right one. The little man was so mad while at the doctors, he held nothing back on showing that exam table his feelings. He tore the paper to shreds!

Photo A Day, No. 30 - Cayman Walks!

2012-01-30T22:51:00.003-05:00

Heart is pounding, cheeks grin tired from smiling, out of breath laughter.

A lot of excitement at our house tonight!

Cayman walked!

All by herself.

She held onto nothing.

Just the power of her own two legs.

Back and forth between Daddy and me.

We did this for nearly half an hour.

You could tell she was growing tired.

But she kept going.

Laughing!

She knew she was doing something special.

Photo A Day, No. 29 - Photo Books

2012-01-29T21:10:00.001-05:00

Snapfish's email promo reeled me in. 30% off photo books plus free shipping. Spent a lot of time on their website today, bringing up to date my photo book collection. I cannot wait for them to arrive in the mail! Digital is beautiful but there is nothing quite like photos in print!

Photo A Day, No. 28 - Crying

2012-01-28T20:59:00.001-05:00

Lots and lots of crying today. He is just not feeling well. :(

Photo A Day, No. 27 - What Can Keep A Sick Child Down, Not Much

2012-01-27T23:11:00.006-05:00

Kobe has not been feeling very well. Today he ran a fever. Cried a lot. Clingy all day. This evening he snuggled with Daddy in the chair. He seemed all tuckered out, tired and still. But when I pulled out from box Cayman's new quilt that arrived in the mail for her new bed he excitedly wiggled down from Daddy's lap to come crawl all over it.

He has a fetish for blankets. When spread out across the floor his firm purpose is to crawl and roll all over them. He can't resist, even when sick.

Photo A Day, No. 26 - The Word

2012-01-26T21:23:00.004-05:00

I often feel my life resembles a failed juggling act. I pick up one thing to only drop two others. (I never was a good juggler.) And lately on the busy agenda a very important element has been lacking - time in The Word. Tonight I closed my eyes to all that does not matter in eternity and turned my attention instead to what my soul is hungry for.

Photo A Day, No. 25 - Madison turns 7

2012-01-25T21:23:00.003-05:00

My kid sister Madison turned seven years old. It was a big, exciting day! And apparently seven is way cooler, older, and mature than little 'ol six. All the kids in first grade can't wait to be 7!

Photo A Day, No. 24 - The Neurosurgeon

2012-01-24T21:22:00.002-05:00

Cayman saw her Neurosurgeon in a routine check up. We discussed important things like her recent brain scan (which was beautiful, so much gray matter there!), and about magnets specifically ones that are strong enough to effect her shunt setting and how we can protect her.

Photo A Day, No. 23 - Kobe's Mega Montage

2012-01-23T09:55:00.005-05:00

Nothing of usual agenda at home got done today. I dropped everything to finish a project slideshow of Kobe's first year. I picked through hours of pictures and video to put together the highlights. It took me a long time and there were so many good memories it was hard to choose. I selected my favorites but the problem with that was the video was still 18 minutes long!! I had already consumed so much of my time making this slideshow, and the kids were pushed way passed their limit of boredom with Mommy, so the montage remained as it was - long.

So, if you dare to give up 18 minutes and 5 seconds of your day, here is the recap of Kobe's life so far...

Photo A Day, No. 22 - Kobe's birthday party

2012-01-22T23:02:00.001-05:00

Friends and family and oodles of balloons - essentials to a fun party!

Photo A Day, No. 21 - Mike's Work Christmas Party

2012-01-21T22:13:00.001-05:00

It was a casino game night. Poker is not on the list of my all time top favorite things, but sitting next to this man of mine, all dressed up and out together just the two of us, I really had a good time. So much in fact that I could almost say I feel fond of poker. But then again much of that has to do with him for he always makes everything better for me.

Kobe's 1 years old!!

2012-01-20T21:23:00.001-05:00

Happy birthday sweet boy! It is an exciting day indeed! One years old you are!

Really has it been only a year? Hasn't it been a lifetime of being together? It feels like you've always been a part of us.

Revisit with me that day one year ago when your perfectly round newborn head was placed on my chest. Your tiny heartbeat against mine. That soft, slow breathing. Your baby skin, the smell of Heaven fresh on you.

I saw the joy tears in your Daddy's eyes when he brushed a loose strand of hair away from my face right before kissing my forehead and returning his gaze back to you. I will never forget the feelings that consumed that moment. It was magic, like a perfectly written scene from a movie. Something I could never understand before you. Worry and separation is what Daddy and I knew when Sister was born. Your birth didn't erase the experience of hers, but softened it. I have to squint hard now to remember the pain because I have nearly forgotten it as my heart healed leaving just the good intact.

You my son, God is doing amazing things with you. He knew I needed you. Provided for me another perspective in an area where before it was a tug and pull on my heart. And when healing erases the pain there is more room for joy and that is what I have today baby boy - more joy! Because of you. Because of Heavenly Father's gifts.

If Mommy's being honest, I will tell you I am not sad to see you turning one. Actually I have been super excited for this day as it drew nearer. Celebrating your amazing life and the next step this will bring. I'm thinking of what is to come. You walking all on your own. Tricycles and trucks. Climbing and asking questions and having conversations with me. Making cars go Vrrrrmmm.

It's incredible the changes that have been and will be in you. I am remembering how one minute we were waiting for your arrival and then you were here! One day you're sleeping around the clock and in the next you're rolling and sitting up. Crawling, pulling to stand. Smiling and cracking us up. Mimicking funny faces and signing your first word - "eat". Okay, now as I am writing it out loud some nostalgic feelings are creeping in and Mommy may possibly be yearning now to whisper in your ear, "Slow down little man, just enough to let me take it all in and memorize you right now". But that is not an adequate request, is it? For one, time cannot be controlled. But mostly, because I know it's not possible to memorize it all, taking in each phase so we never forget a single detail. When you were tiny in my arms I stared long at you. You fed every two hours around the clock. We were together a lot! And in those moments I sat promising myself I would memorize your tiny newborn-ness in the details. I would not forget how little you were. And yes somethings I do recall. Like your wrinkly fingers before baby chub filled them in. And your legs with nearly zero fat. But when I pull out from archives those newborn pictures of you shock comes over me. My how much you have changed, and how did you do that without me noticing and were you really ever that tiny??

I may forget some tangible details but the feelings that accompanied me in these fleeting moments stay permanently dwelling in memory's corridor. I will always remember what I felt in my heart when I carried you in my womb, when you were placed in my arms, and in these mornings when I lift you out of crib and your legs circle around my waste and you snuggle in close. It's my favorite.

Each step has been more exciting than the last. In a single moment I think it can't get better than this, oh but it does! And that's how I feel about this turning one years old business. It's going to be filled with so much good stuff, I can't wait! This past year has been incredible, watching you grow and adoring the milestones you reach! So fast and quick they came. Fascinating it is for me to watch you.

So, let me tell you who you are at one years old...

You are busy, curious, silly, vibrant, intelligent, focused, and loving. At times you are shy and cling to us. But those moments can be easily followed by sudden bursts of independence and fearlessness. You show us that you understand more of what we are saying. We ask for a kiss and you deliver with wide gaping mouth a slobbery kiss on our face. You sign "eat" and "more". Intense eyes watch us when we talk or sign new words. You are learning and observant. You also are fascinated by music. It's a quick tool that not only soothes but also entertains you. You're becoming quite the copy cat, and this is so fun to watch. You perform Patty Cake and a High 5 and a funny face that I can only guess must have come from your daddy. It's unbelievable for me to see what a little sponge you are at this age. You love to push anything with wheels and you still remain obsessed with animals. You listen quite well when we tell you "No". You love to push the envelope though when it comes to the TV stand and all the equipment housed on it. You're so curious of it all. A screaming temper you have. And when I say scream I mean it literally. You scream! When putting you in your car seat, when taking away the TV remote, when forcing you to sit in your highchair and not stand. Anything that makes you go from happy to mad in zero seconds, you scream! You have 5 teeth and by the cranky, light sleeper you have been lately I could make a strong guess tooth number 6 will be arriving soon. You can stand unsupported now for a few seconds at a time. You just started doing this actually. You've been up on your feet for months but have remained reluctant to let go and do it all on your own. And that's okay. I kind of think that you are waiting for Sister because she's so close to this herself. You two seem to have a unique relationship. Plenty of sibling squabbles go on but there's an intense love you both have for each other. I see it on your face and on hers when we pick Sister up from preschool, the excitement and joy to be back together. I recall the week your ears and hearing were forming in the womb was also the same week Sister was being fitted for hearing aids. And during the month you began to coo and babble as a baby she was expanding her verbalizing vocabulary too. And now you're both working on standing unsupported together. There is definitely something special between you two.

So today you turn one and I am excited! Like that moment when you were laid upon my chest for the first time one year ago and I touched you and I thought, "Can this really be? I have a baby!" I look at you today wearing that smile so bright and warm that melts me and I think, "Can this really be? He is mine. I have a baby turning into a biggish boy!". You gotta believe I am in the mood to celebrate you my son!

My pace slows, the corners of my mouth curl into an uncontainable smile. This is your day Kobe and I am taking it in with a fullness! A whole day where I get to show you in the details of what I feel inside everyday! That life with you is so good! That I celebrate you. You, my boy, are special. And I love you, to the moon and back!

And someday when you read these letters, I know you may laugh at your sappy mama. But just know this, you're a part of something wonderful that God is doing. This past year of mothering you has been stretching, growing, challenging, and loving. I am made better, stronger, more aware, more thankful, more blessed than I could ever imagine. I wouldn't trade a minute of the past 12 months with you. Not even all the sleepless nights, frequent feedings, reflux and spitting up everywhere, the chaos, the clinging, and the times I thought I would lose my mind managing two fully dependent Littles. For you make my days brighter, more full of the good stuff that I want in life.

Happy birthday my Kobe! Mommy loves you! ~ xx

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P.s. I didn't include many photos in this birthday posts because I have been working on a project that includes highlights from Kobe's first year. That is soon to come, so stay tuned.

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P.p.s.

Photo A Day, No. 20 - Kobe's birthday

Kobe's party to celebrate with friends and family will be on Sunday, so we got him just a little cake to have on the actual day of his birthday.

Photo A Day, No. 19 - Spaghetti Dinner Night

2012-01-19T22:06:00.001-05:00

Giving those pre-birthday hands practice for some messy cake eating fun.

Photo A Day, No. 18 - Braids

2012-01-18T10:03:00.002-05:00

I tend to stick to what I know. But the problem with that is redundancy becomes boring and I don't learn anything new.

Deciding which way to style Cayman's hair this morning the options felt drab and over used - Single ponytail? Double pig tails? Half up?

Hmmm...

How about a braid!

How about a braid???

Where did that thought come from?

Braid making skills do not run in my family. I never did have nimble fingers. Amazing that I ever learned how to knit and crochet. I could never braid well either. Mom and I were talking and chuckling over how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I recall from childhood Mom trying to do a french braid on my sister's hair. Stacey had asked to wear it that way for school, to be like her friends. Stacey had to learn individuality that year.

But I thought I would give it a go. Which I think was quite brave of me, given my family's history and because Cayman can be a wiggly little thing. Hopes were not high but I would give it a try.

After the first braid went in, surprisingly well, I became determined. I had to redo the second braid a couple times. But alas, two french braids completed! And she looked oh so cute.

I need to remember to try something new every once in awhile. It made a redundant task feel new.

Photo A Day, No. 17 - Vintage Schoolhouse Chairs

2012-01-17T15:13:00.003-05:00

I'm a project girl. When I get something in mind I can't stop thinking about it. I will lay awake imaginging and wondering over the specifics , the details, and feeling excited to get started. This is the story I can tell for every project we have accomplished on our house. And even for the projects we never got to. These vintage schoolhouse chairs I picked up today for $10 are for certain to be on my mind tonight.

Photo A Day, No. 16 - Curls

2012-01-16T23:22:00.004-05:00

Curls are so hard to manage and so pretty when they are.

Photo A Day, No. 15 - House Showings

2012-01-15T23:28:00.001-05:00

The holidays are over, it's been picking back up on the real estate front. We've had 3 showings already in the last week.

Photo A Day, No. 14 - Family's Belated Christmas Gathering

2012-01-14T22:22:00.005-05:00

The extended family congregated, a belated Christmas tradition.

Photo A Day, No. 13 - An Intense Night

2012-01-13T20:20:00.012-05:00

Just before 3 a.m., sleeping next me in bed, Cayman threw up all over my face and hair, herself, and the bed.

(Gross, right? Ack!)

Mike was still in Chicago on his business trip. I sure missed his partnership during this intense night when emotions ran high and fast decision making needed to be done.

There's not many things about Hydrocephalus I find troubling but the two toughest are seizures and shunt malfunctions. There is one other but it's more of a sub-topic under the latter one and it is that practically every symptom that goes along with being [plain mundane] sick is also the same signs of a shunt failing to keep the brain free of pressure.

If it were Kobe, I would have showered, bathed him, changed the sheets, and spent the night snuggling in the chair. But for Cayman, she could be vomiting because her brain is in danger and immediate response needs to be taken.

So a different plan of action played out for the night - a quick washcloth bath across my face and hers, leaving all the puke-y sheets as they were, packed bags fast, loaded her and the two kids into the van. And backed out of the garage at 3:08 a.m., missing Mike horribly!

Cayman had thrown up again before I loaded her into the van, but she seemed coherent and playfully responsive in a way that loosened [slightly] my grip on desperation. Maybe it's not her shunt? It had been days since we saw anymore flu symptoms, so I didn't think it was the flu. While Mr. Shunt stayed on my mind [like always], Mr. Pediasure bottle drank before bed was put on trial as a possible suspect. Maybe her recovering tummy was not ready for that much dairy?

We were also in the middle of receiving a winter night snow storm.

The options played out in my mind like this:

Go to the local E.R. But they can't do anything to help or check on the health of her shunt (negative) so the only thing they could help with would be ambulance transportation to Ann Arbor (positive). But the nearest ambulance authorized and equipped for the 2 hour trip would be coming from a town about 25 miles away (negative). And with the roads as snowy as they are the travel in for them would be long (double negative). But if I drive their way, which is in route for Ann Arbor (positive), and also located in the town where my mom lives (positive), then I would be that much closer to the medical transportation team if things show definitely in the need of that direction (positive). Or if she seems better and perhaps it was the pediasure bottle that made her sick and she doesn't need medical attention then we could crash at Mom's (positive). But traveling by myself in the dark, in the heavy snow, and if things turn real serious I'll be on the side of the road in desolate country with a coded Cayman in a snow storm (whoa! How do you sum up that negative?).

Not entirely confident of what to do, I looked at my Cayman. She laughed just then showing her usual vivacious personality. She made me smile.

Alright, my thoughts continued, certainly if this is shunt she is well enough to make the trip over to the town where Mom lives, inching us closer to Ann Arbor and the transportation ambulance. Ultimately saving us time on waiting for them to travel to us and then have to travel back in the same direction they just came from. And when we get there and if Cayman seems well and alert we will just go to Grandma's house, dodging the ER and another insurance denied claim.

And so that is what the kids and I did. But not without stopping at the gas station first to rescue the gas gauge from being buried in the deep grave of empty, a frivolous detail that curled a choking grip on the neck of desperation. I just wanted to keep moving.

It took nearly an hour to reach Mom's house, a drive that is ordinarily 30 minutes long. Nothing was too alarming about Cayman's condition at that point so I bypassed the hospital always hoping hindsight remains my friend. Kobe was not happy to have been awaken from his warm, snuggly bed in the middle of the night to be drug out to his cold car seat that is at the top of his loathing list anyways. He cried and wailed the whole drive there! Poor guy.

Concentration overload I felt - flipping on the dome light every so often to peek at Cayman and make sure her eyes were tracking correctly and her coloring looked healthy; talking to Kobe trying to soothe his distress; deep focus on driving; all edge lines and middle markers buried under snow; traveling with brights on, blinded by the large flakes flying at the windshield but bright headlights allowed for a visual of the ditch, my only way to keep track of the road.

In.Ten.Ssssss!

But we made it, just a little after 4 a.m., to Mom's house. I had been in touch with her during the whole dramatic occurrence, so she was up and waiting for us.

We went inside her warm and welcoming home. Cayman seemed fine. No more vomiting. No more signs of sickness. Kobe was wide awake and ready to play. My body ached for sleep. After a few deep breaths and a shower, I let the soothing peace of mind wash over me that if things were to change we were a little closer to Ann Arbor, and to the ambulance that could help for a fast transport.

The night was scary but ended with so much to be thankful for...

Safe arrival to Mom's,

the courage and strength to handle the drama without Mike,

a working shunt,

my Mom and her help.

I am glad that not too many times I have needed to go through difficult trials without Mike next to me. Sure appreciate that man and what he brings to my life.

P.s. Cayman continued to be just fine and did not need the hospital.

Photo A Day, No. 12 - Kobe's Reflection

2012-01-12T22:10:00.002-05:00

The 'funny' of the day went to Kobe for his reaction over his distorted reflection in my electric water boiler. At the bathroom mirror he gives himself kisses and smiles. But in that water boiler, head all stretched skinny, the poor funny little man cried disturbed.

Photo A Day, No. 11 - Saying Good-bye to Daddy

2012-01-11T22:00:00.004-05:00

It was an early morning, Mike left for a business trip to Chicago. Thanks to our early risers (a.k.a. our children), we were up to send Daddy off with a proper good-bye - waving and blowing kisses out the window. We always miss him so.

Photo A Day, No. 10 - Passed the Worst

2012-01-10T17:11:00.002-05:00

The energy level returned full force for the kids. The adults aren't quite there yet.

Photo A Day, No. 9 - The Flu

2012-01-09T20:58:00.001-05:00

Sunday night into Monday morning I came down with the flu. It hit me hard! Exhausted from being up all night in the E.R. I presume, wore my resistance down. Mike stayed home as I was in no condition to take care of the two kids alone. I stayed curled under my comfy duvet, grateful for my husband's help. Later that afternoon, Kobe began to throw up too. And Mike's stomach felt gurgly and uneasy.

Photo A Day, No. 8 - A Quiet Moment at Home

2012-01-08T22:16:00.005-05:00

It was a crazy day. At noon, twelve hours later, we left the U of M's E.R. for home.

A long night, short on sleep. Returning to a messy house. It's always sobering to see where life stopped at home. Unpredictable and always at the mercy of change. No fading transition some times. Just sudden. And the realization again of how much I am not in control in this life. First I fight at that reminder. I get upset and act like a stressed crazy person. Then my heart finds its way back. Because as hard as it feels somedays, it's these difficult days that make me grow and learn. And today it was met with a quiet moment. Kobe snuggled in my arms, rocking in the chair. Mike and Cayman reading a book. I rocked a little bit longer, listened to the sounds of talking and laughter, and continued to savor the gifts that I have been given.

Photo A Day, No. 7 - The E.R.

2012-01-07T23:15:00.003-05:00

It was a normal day before the maddening feel of an emergency came changing the course of the night. It's likely that more days ahead will be weathered by E.R. trips at some point. That has come to be expected and that's just how it is. One minute Mike and Cayman are sitting together sharing a bowl of ice cream in the evening. Then in the very next she is flat out refusing to eat anymore of her most favorite dish right before throwing up all over the both of them. And she continued to throw up repeatedly over the next few hours at the local E.R. By ambulance they transported her to our hospital, the one equipped with the doctors that she needs. I dread these kind of days - the days when Cayman vomits. They're like a fire alarm sounding at the signs of smoke. Lots of emotions rush in as all normalcy of the day is dropped and immediately step into a mad rush of taking every precaution, investigation, and care to check on one very important object - her shunt. Because the sobering truth is that this object, foreign and peculiar as it is, is what gives us another day with her. It's her life line. And today Mr. Shunt is okay. It is just a stomach virus. And tomorrow we get to return back home to resume our normal lives.

Photo A Day, No. 6 - A Birthday Celebration

2012-01-06T12:51:00.004-05:00

My father-in-law turned 60!! The family celebrated by having dinner at a Japanese steak house.

Photo A Day, No. 5 - Apple Technology

2012-01-05T09:18:00.004-05:00

My Christmas present from Mike - an Apple laptop!

Photo A Day No. 4 - Organization

2012-01-04T16:04:00.001-05:00

I do not remember
distinctively saying to myself,
"Organization is my New Year's Resolution".
But it just sort of happened.
I got started on the 1st of January
and haven't quit.
I've been cleaning out,
throwing away,
getting rid of.
I get done with one spot
and I immediately look for another to start on.
I enjoy a deep clean out,
a house feeling not so full.
The extra benefit of this will come when we move.
For every garbage bag filled and taken to the curb
and another box hauled off to Goodwill,
it is that much less work
when the time comes to bid our farewells.
It's not so much about it being a resolution.
Nor do I need to be pregnant to nest this thoroughly.
Keeping house, cleaning, organizing, decorating -
these are stress relievers for me.
And because Mike has been home more
not traveling for business lately,
the relief of help
has given me energy and enthusiasm
to take on even more in my days.

And today's project took me to the files.
Who knew shredding could be so therapeutic?
I eliminated over 15 years of my filed life in 6 hours.
Would have taken less time
but it's only so long a book occupies a baby.

Photo A Day No. 3 - Sister's Therapy Day

2012-01-03T18:11:00.002-05:00

Therapy is like a pair of crutches.
They're fun until you are the one that has to use them.

Kobe giggles with glee to crawl all over the therapy mat.
While Sister in the background whines.

Photo A Day Project

2012-01-03T07:32:00.003-05:00

A review of this past year revealed the lowest number of blog posts by me. Just 189 for the year 2011. That is much, much lower than years previous.

~2010 produced - 272 posts

~2009 there was - 306 posts

~2008, my first year blogging started in February - 289 posts

I call it - Blogging Decreased After the Addition of Baby Number Two.

The days are much busier than they use to be. And when the house is finally all quiet in the early night my brain is twirling in a state of amnesia. I must be so overloaded that my internal memory shorts out. Call it self-preservation if you will. If time ever does permit me to be at the computer all I can do is stare like a deer caught in the headlights at letters on raised squares with the inability of how to form words from them.

Pictures are still taken, the good of life is happening but in complete honesty the main road block that stops me from posting when I don't have the energy is perfection. I want a perfectly written blog post before I hit publish. I want organized thoughts that are poetic and beautiful. Not something that sounds like it was pulled from my 2nd grade journal. But in striving for perfection I am missing out on having a rich visual history of my life.

To resolve this neglected blog, to continue satisfying my need for documenting, and increase my love for photography I will take a photo everyday this next year and post it. Pictures have always been my favorite way to remember and also help me find what is important to me in my life.

In spite of little "Me" time I have these days, I want to make sure this joy journey is not all buried in the deep abyss that which is my hard drive. I am not pressuring myself for perfection in words or photo composition, and even allowing wiggle room for it to be a hit and miss some weeks. It might not even always be the most interesting photos I post. Just something that will continue adding up as a photo collection of my family's life.

So this Photo-A-Day thing really this is just for me and could be boring for you but I thought I would invite you along if you're interested. And if you are, stay tuned, more will be coming...

*******************

Photo A Day #1 - January 1, 2012 - Organizing

Christmas presents were organized, finding them a new home spot on a shelf, bin, or drawer. All baby toys were moved from Cayman's room to Kobe's which made room for another whole row of books on her shelf. Her room is becoming less nursery and more of a kid's room. We're even talking of ditching the crib and getting her a twin bed. I spent nearly the entire day arranging, sorting, and cleaning with little interruptions. That almost never happens. Mike took on full duties of looking after the kids while I did this. The day is remembered as feeling productive and satisfying.

*******************

Photo A Day #2 - January 2, 2012 - The Buckeye's Bowl Game

We had people over to our house for the Buckeye's bowl game. It's been a frustrating year for the Buckeyes. Ohio State players and their fans are not use to loses. And yesterday resulted in another defeat. This is enough to turn any day grumpy for Mike. And it was not a happy one for him. Yet I looked over and saw Cayman sitting on his lap playing with her iPad, Kobe in the other arm leaning over to watch Sister's video, and Mike's head repeatedly tipping to peer around little baby blocking the view of the TV. Frustrating and grumpy he still held his children with patience and love.

*********

P.s. Cayman's photo came in 3rd place. She may not have won come but the real prize was in seeing how much love and support Cayman has. We are overwhelmed with good feelings that come from being loved so well! Thank you to all who voted for her!

A Merry Little Review

2011-12-30T09:00:00.004-05:00

Before any more time sneaks by I had better post about Christmas because we did have a Christmas! A lovely one, in fact.

The kids were a blast. Mike and I enjoyed them. They multiply the fun in our home. They bring the crazy in too. Cayman gets the idea of opening a present now and finding the toy inside for playing with. Kobe crumpled the wrappings and tried to eat them, of course.

Pictures were taken, not a lot, which seems to be the theme lately. Kids are always in arms, not much room for holding a camera. So mainly we kept the camcorder on. In review of the videos I was cracking up to see what our household looks like from a stand-back point of view.

Busy. Noisy. Fast. With lots of parental corrections -

"Kobe, out of the mouth."

"Cayman, get off brother, he's not a horse."

"No iPad right now, we're opening presents."

"Cayman, stop hitting brother."

It's so, so good!
Life, I mean.
Life is good!

P.s. Voting ends January 1st, Cayman's photo is in first place!! Wow, that's so neat! If you haven't voted yet today, will you please? Click here to go vote. (link updated)

Please Vote for Cayman

2011-12-26T23:17:00.017-05:00

Congratulations your photo has been selected and is currently in the running to become a weekly winner...

The corners of my mouth curled up into this uncontainable smile as I read the email. I had entered a photo of Cayman in the Cute Kid contest put on by the Parenting website.

Typically I don't go for these cutest kid contests. I've thought of them as shallow and vain, judging and placing value in a child by their looks. On the flip side of that point of view, it's a fun way for a proud parent to show off their child. And boy we are proud!! Certain thoughts had been tumbling through my head that day which culminated in the moment I responded to the Cute Kid ad. The "submit" button held meaning. It went deeper than just my darling Cayman's face but what is represented there - Life - and the fact that Hydrocephalus kids are cute too! And I thought, "Why not?".

Cayman's photo is currently in 3rd place! The photo with the most votes will take home the honors! Your vote is needed to make it win! Will you please click here to go vote for Cayman? You can vote every day. The contest is open til the 1st of January. It only takes a second to vote. Below her picture click on the pink button "vote for me" and type in a security code that you are given.

It's that easy peasy to vote for Cayman!

We thank you for your participation and making this exciting!

Now go vote, please!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T06:00:00.001-05:00

My "Crafting Mom Blog" Style

2011-12-23T06:00:00.006-05:00

I love a good mom blog. Crafting with kids, teaching, cooking, keeping house. Doing the mom and wifey things.

It's my dream job I've always wanted and I'm living that dream! That's where the interest comes, even as a child this is what I saw for myself.

Curiosity knocks, how does it operate for, let's call them my colleagues - other mom's and wife's - at work doing their noble job?

And that's where these mom blogs hook me. They give free peeks into other worlds. Worlds with similarities yet lots of differences than mine. I learn, I grow, mostly I become inspired.

Some share crafty ideas on the world wide web to do with kids, posting pictures of the memory building, beautiful, happy, tranquil times together! And I always think to myself, that looks fun! I'm going to do that too!

Easy peasy, right?

Here's my story about when a Martha Stewart craft came to our home...

button wreath ornament
cute, right?

Cayman's last day of preschool before Christmas break was cancelled. Thick fog kept the school buses in the garage and us mom's that drive them ourselves at home. Usually such an event commences a pajama day. But we were already dressed before the cancellation call came ringing. Cayman in a red velvet skirt, white tights, and Christmas shirt. She wore fur lined boots, hair neatly groomed into pony tails and looking so, so cute!

The preschool Christmas party was going to be that day! The fog changed that though. I wanted the day to go down special anyways.

So we waited til the fog lifted. Kobe got his morning nap, I fixed lunch, then began the long process of gathering me and the kids around for an outing to a craft store.

We took with us a list of materials, three projects in mind. Shopped the 70% off Christmas aisles. Cayman followed behind walking with her shiny green walker.

She found on a bottom shelf a turquoise, sequenced Santa hat and put it on. She walked through the store attracting lots of attention - "oh's and ah's she's so cute!". The social concentration on her made her hyper and loud as she became comfortable with the setting the longer we were there. Continuous reminders I gave her to use a quiet, inside voice. But when you're getting all that attention and feeling like a queen, mommy's voice becomes just white noise. Shopping halted while I knelt down in front of her, meeting eye to eye. Cayman didn't like that. She knew mommy meant business and she needed to listen. We played a few games of peek-a-boo and hide-and-go-seek around a deserted aisle corner. That redirected the happiness back and shopping was smooth sailing again.

Back at home it was nearing afternoon nap time. Not really much time for starting a craft. So we read a book and did a mid-day pick up around the house. Then kiddos went down for a sleep.

In the evening we went out to supper with family and then drove through a Christmas light display.

The bag of craft supplies waited for us at home on the kitchen counter til the next morning.

On the first day of Christmas break, after breakfast I pulled out from the sack - buttons, wire, and ribbon. Simple materials to make the button wreath ornament. A perfect project for targeting fine motor skills. We were going to have ourselves some tranquil, craft time fun, just like all those other mom blogs I follow.

Kobe playing, occupied in the baby walker.

Cayman and I thread buttons onto the wire. Deciphering how much help I should give her. Jump in too fast, and she doesn't gain the opportunity to learn on her own. Jump in too late frustration trumps the fun and she wants nothing to do with it anymore. It's a fine balance, as most things are at this [developmental] age. From day to day, mood to mood, that line can shift, keeping me always guessing if I'm doing right for her.

In the beginning the button wreath craft is going splendidly. She struggles to get the wire through the tiny button hole herself. I help and she lets me. We're having tranquil fun.

Toddlers are like a time bomb though. They sit quietly and until suddenly...

Ka-BOOM!!

Hyperness commences. Parental redirection ensues.

Cayman stands up, jumping on the chair. I tell her sit, to prevent a fall.

She sits, not happily. With her hand she pushes buttons off the table and onto the floor.

I redirect.

She whines, letting me know she's finished. We've thread about 20 buttons, around 50 more to go!!

I give her a clean baby food jar, instructions to put buttons into the container. A new project entertains her well and we're back on tranquil road.

I continue threading, counting the buttons as they slide on. The counting keeps her a part of the project. She likes it and counts with me, the ones she knows. She hears 37, and repeats 7...38, repeats 8, 39, repeats 9, etc.. At the end of each number set, she shouts "10"! And confusingly looks at me when I don't say 10, and begin counting into the next number set - 40's, then 50's.

Kobe, with his flinstone feet, drives the baby walker into the Christmas tree. Pulls off an attached pine cone and takes a bite. I stop threading and go digging into slobbery wet baby mouth for bark pieces. He cries.

I redirect.

Another combustion of toddler hyperness begins. Cayman shakes the open jar of collected buttons. They scatter across the table and floor like a flock of geese.

I redirect.

We pick up.

Back to threading buttons. Cayman whines, the final whine. She wants to be all done sitting. Time to move, time to go play else where. We thread a couple more buttons together and I let her get down.

Kobe whines too. He wants the same thing. Out of the walker, move onto something else.

The both of them now loose - together!

I finish up the button wreath ornament quickly and tie the bow on.

Cayman and Kobe have found each other. Pushing and screaming going on.

I redirect.

Bring out different toys for Kobe. He then plays happily.

I show Cayman the finished button wreath project. She smiles over it.

Our craft times might not be tranquil...

But they are certainly memorable!

Christmas Lights Tradition

2011-12-22T09:00:00.001-05:00

Not intentional a new tradition was born two years ago. It began with the Christmas lights glistening in the hardwood floors, they caught my eye. In photography it teaches to look for light and there you will find the setting to create the stunning. And that's what I did. I took a photo of Cayman playing with a simple strand of white Christmas lights atop the reflective wood floors.

{2009}

I liked it so much
I did it again
the next following year.

{2010}

On to the third
Christmas here
at this house
I thought I would continue
while I have the chance.
Someday these gorgeous
wood floors will belong
to someone else.
Lucky them.

{2011}

I tried my darndest
to pull into this tradition
a certain little guy.
But he had a different
aim in mind.
He demonstrated
how to capture
a baby crawling silhouette.
It was just one of those nights,
the kind where
leaving Mommy's arms
was not an option.
Lots of snuggling needed.
But who can really
complain about that.

Kobe's 11 Months Old

2011-12-20T06:00:00.002-05:00

Kobe, my little love, this letter means you are 11 months old. My breath catches in my throat over that number. Do you realize there's only 1 sticker left in your month-to-month package? My heart sort of lunged out of my chest when I saw that solo 12 month staring back at me. We're right on the heels of a full year. These monthly birthdays are precious and I'm going to miss them. They always have me revisiting the day my arms first knew the weight of you. But on the upside, soon no more monthly photo shoots! What, you don't think that sounds like something that should be positive? I know, I know. It's a bittersweet thing. Big love I have for this collection that captures your change. Oh but the work Daddy and I are stricken by for every good shot! Wiggling, squirming, crying when your escape is stopped. Wrinkling the blanket, re-straightening, repositioning, holding you still. It's pure torture and it's not so pleasant for you either. *wink*

But your daddy and I have fun and laugh through it. That's what a person does with the hard. Learn to laugh, my baby. You'll see just how much it softens life's crazy and you'll be amazed at what you can survive.

From 10 months to 11, change is slowing it feels. There is not a lot of new that you are doing since last month's birthday. Just stronger at all the same things. Faster crawling. Still walking only while holding onto a push toy or our hands. One new thing is in the way you seek my hands for this assistance. You crawl to me reaching with chubby hands, a knuckle white grip on my fingers (and my heart), stretching across to grab a hold of my other hand and you stand yourself up, knee rising to step forward. I love these occasions when I see in my children their minds working with independent desires and choices. You choose when you suddenly want to walk. I am blessed to be your helper when you need it.

There are a few other new things. Last month we saw a bursting of your ability to express yourself. This has grown stronger and you now know the wild nature of a temper tantrum. Back arching, screaming, upset when it isn't going your way. In this development of expressing yourself, anger is just one area. A deep broken heart is conveyed with a forehead touching down to the floor, and the saddest cry that pulls all your energy into it leaving you laying limp and weak looking. And all mommy did was set you down, poor thing. You are loved, spoiled loved, my darling.

This month delivered true babbling from you. Not just squeals, sputters, and sounds but real moments when we can see you trying to communicate. We still don't see a lot of that. You're a laid back kind of talker, much like your daddy. You say only what you need to say, nothing more. Unlike Mommy whom can talk a lot and use as many words as possible when saying just one simple thing. We mostly hear from you dadda, hey hi, yea, and on occasions mom.

{Is that the Daddy holding the Kobe's arms down so he will not remove the Santa hat because Mommy really really wanted a photo with him wearing it? Or...}

{...is it Santa Claus trying to take back his hat that the Kobe stole?}

You have found a renewed interest in books. Not just eating them but actually looking at the pictures now too. Which of course makes me giddy because books are my sanctuary and I hope you find peace there too. It's enjoyable watching you get all interested and quiet and thoughtful and you coo and slap the page in excitement. In a room full of toys you'll grab for the book. My heart feels proud to see my children love books. One of Sister's first sentences ever spoken was, "Read it." as she handed me a book. It has been utterly delightful for me to see you take interest too. And so the three of us read together everyday.

And maybe one day this reading time that we do, sitting snug in a chair, will be peaceful without the needed interruption to correct the pushing and grabbing you two do near constantly. I cannot understand this sibling language that goes on. You two love being together yet can't seem to stop the tormenting of each other. It's cute and tiresome all the same. A single minute can be mixed with laughter and crying and back to laughter until it ends with a final separation to far corners for a break.

You love riding on Rody horse, I think only for the reason that you can reach his ears for chewing on. But seeing you on Rody loving it and getting attention for it has Sister interested in the horse now too where as before he sat sadly in a corner collecting dust.

{On the fireplace hearth a tree grows crooked, in need of replanting. I give you one guess who is to blame for that!}

You are all boy, I am getting a full lesson in what that means. Climbing - up onto everything! Falling. Crying. But when recovery is reached no fear is installed. You repeat the same danger, not learning to yield to any height. And you love dirt. We're inside, you have the whole house to roam but what you want most is to just be digging in my potted plants.

Sleep routine has been set for months now and yet it so easily falls a part if not carefully maintained. I do my best to schedule everything far out from your nap hours, hoping you don't fall asleep in the vehicle messing it all up. You are just like Mommy in this. I too become so relaxed and sleepy when traveling.

You hang on my pant legs - All - The - Time! You're kind of like those stray cats after you feed them. They hover at your feet and you can't move, walk, or go anywhere unless you pick them up or move them aside. Always, moving you aside cues big crying. This neediness calls for a strategic mind in order to accomplish much in the day.

So much interest you have to touch mommy's face. When those nails are trimmed I like it too. But your touch is anything but gentle though your face says everything sweet. Eyes gazing into mine, soft and alive with love. And a smile that connects our hearts.

Ah my baby, I love you so much too!

~Mommy, xx

{Had to throw this one in. I laughed when I saw it! The look - the thrill - over Brutus Buckeye, chubby hands get ready to grab him and pull him into a wet, slobbery mouth. I said, "Kobe looks like a cat ready to pounce on its prey." Daddy says, "Not a cat, a velociraptor!" :)}

My Favorites

2011-12-19T06:00:00.003-05:00

Things that make me happy
right here, right now:

My kids
in footie pajamas...

Laughing
over some
play-doh fun...

A baby rainforest
floor gym
that's brought lots of enjoyment
since Cayman was a baby...
and a little boy
that loves
to flatten it to the ground
and crawl away
smiling over the accomplishment...

Watching her play
with a toy house
from my childhood...

Rocking a horse...

Pretend playing,
her latest wonderment
I adore seeing in her.
It use to be me taking her places.
Now she takes me...

She brought the outdoors in,
patio furniture
placed by her own imagination
in the living room...

Making hand print
Christmas ornaments
to remember
their size
as they are,
right here
in the
right now...

A quiet house,
all asleep,
except me.
The only light
coming from the
Christmas tree.

Feet up
enjoying
uninterrupted reading,
carols softly tuning
in the background.

Festive socks
and the snuggliest
pajama pants
I have ever known.
Only $8.97 at Walmart...
I put in a request
for Santa
to bring me more
for a nice long winter stash.

Addressing Christmas cards.
The deep plunk heard from
the bottom of a blue metal postal box
as the bunch were sent on their way...

But my most favorite,
beyond compare
to anything else,
the four of us
together,
and at home is the best...

A Happier Post

2011-12-13T06:57:00.001-05:00

Hi! You are still here! Infrequent blogging has chased away more readers this way. Wouldn't you agree it's passed time for a new post? Something, let's say, more happy to be greeted by than that drab title, "The Big Bad Seizure".

That weekend was a perfect illustration of the expression “Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place.”

The reality was choosing between two sucky options. And really it's the situation that makes it sucky more than the choices, for I feel confident in the direction we have chosen.

One of the worst parts of being a parent of a medically complexed child is the decisions. I am the researcher of therapies, diagnoses, and drugs. I’ve spoken up time and time again in doctor’s offices. I spend sometimes hours late in the night on the computer trying to find the right answers and digging even more when those answers I find are too pat.

But sometimes there’s no great option - there’s no clear choice - but there’s still a decision to be made.

And a jury waiting to pass judgment on the decision.

For us last week we wrestled in the choice whether to place Cayman on a seizure medication or not.

We chose NOT.

Don't mistake that as a choice that we are doing nothing. If those were the only two options - do nothing or take the seizure med - most definitely we would have chosen the seizure medication. For the level of concern for the seizure Cayman had a week ago calls for preparation and prevention.

But I feel really lucky that there's another option available to us, found in the most unlikely place. Another doctor with several phd's behind his name, who gave up teaching to start his own business and has been successfully running it over 25 years. Dr. Saunders chose to practice homeopathic over medical because there's health found in it. Medication only masks the problem until another one eventually pops up. Cayman is on homeopathic medicine that as a newborn was successful at taking away her seizures and hopefully it'll continue with good results now. The best part, no side effects! Just a healthier working brain in the end and a happy, feeling good Cayman. She is doing real good and thus far we have seen no more seizures since that last big one. *Fingers crossed* in hopes there will be no more.

There is oodles of pictures on my camera that need to make their way to my computer and ideally onto this 'ol blog of mine. But that will not be happening for this post. Both kids are watching a Signing Time video right now. They're quiet and calm but soon they will erupt like Vesuvius. And when that happens I do not want to be found in the middle of a post. I have lost more good posts that way, starting many but not finishing them.

And since blogging without pictures, or a video, is just so boring, I pulled out from the saved files a quick topic I planned to blog about sometime ago.

I think it is humorous the way my children love the vacuum cleaner!! It's a huge attraction around here.

Cayman cheers, "Yay!" when I turn it on.

Kobe chases after it. He'd ride the thing if I'd let him.

I always thought children were afraid of these noisy household appliances.

I recall an entry a friend of mine wrote years ago, before I became a mother. A fantastic mother she is, one of the best I know! But does not abound in domestic abilities. She vacuums the floors as little as possible. House work is not appealing to her and is easy to push off til later. As a result, she wrote, her lack of vacuuming caused her baby boy to be terrified of the vacuum cleaner, crying in fear every time it turned on.

If it is frequent exposure to create comfort for babies over these noisy domestic chores then thanks to having a house for sale my children are now crazy-vacuum-cleaning-lovers, as I am held accountable to sweep around here repeatedly. You would think it was the best part of their day when I pull out from broom closet the yellow Dyson and turn on the noisy vortex of cleaning.

Secretly, I kind of like it too. A clean house makes me happy.

The Big Bad Seizure

2011-12-05T07:08:00.011-05:00

The PICU was home for us Friday night. All that was missing was Brother, who went home with my mom.

Cayman had a really bad seizure early Friday morning. I awoke just before 7 a.m., responding to Kobe's morning nursing need. I glanced at Cayman's video monitor docked on my nightstand, checking in on my other little chick. She was laying on her back appearing awake but not moving. It's unusual for her to sleep on her back.

A red flag.

Her eyes open, body lying still. It's unusual for her to be laying motionless when awake.

Another red flag.

Then a wet cough heard over the monitor. A sound we've heard before when she's vomited.

That was it (!) the final flag.

"Mike," I spoke softly to my husband lying next to me in bed where I was nestled nursing Kobe. He had been gone on a business trip, his arrival home anticipated no earlier than Friday night. But a day early he gave us a surprise appearance Thursday evening. Daddy was back home with us!

{An excited Cayman attacking Daddy with a hug when he came home}

"Mike," I tapped on his shoulder, "Go check on Cayman for me, please."

He went immediately, leaving his warm, soft spot in bed. No questions asked. I love that. If Mama is worried then it's worth checking on, for the reason that both his girls mean so much to him.

In Cayman's room Mike called for me to come, lots of concern in his voice. I went. Kobe cried at the breaking of his Mommy time as I placed him back in his crib, a place where fewest [physical] harm can come to a baby when they can't be watched. Emotionally he screamed in abandonment as his needs went on hold.

Mike lifted Cayman out of her crib. Limp and pale, she had thrown up. Conscious but precious little response seen from her. Mike placed her in my arms while he left to call 911.

Her tummy rumbled like she might throw up again. I carried her to the bathroom, easiest room for containing a mess for clean up. I sat on cold linoleum cradling my girl in arms. I opened linen cabinet and pulled from top a towel from the stack. It was the softest one. I felt grateful to wipe her milky skin clean with the soft towel, providing the best in her moment of discomfort.

"Cayman, look at me." I said to her, seeing if she was able to follow directions. Her eyes moved center toward me, then moved up and left, jerking in that position.

She was seizing.

"The ambulance is on its way." Mike said entering the bathroom. His movements fast and became slowed in Cayman's presence. He knelt beside us on the bathroom floor, stroked her hair, then pulled away to ready himself for going outside. He would go to the hospital with Cayman. I would stay back with Kobe and get things ready for the longer haul to the U of M hospital.

My brother, who has been staying with us, woke up to get ready for work. He took on the job of feeding Kobe a banana for breakfast instead. Kobe was not so accepting though. He wanted only Mommy, so the crying continued after a half eaten banana.

Coddled in my arms still sitting on bathroom floor, I whispered sweet things in Cayman's ear like - Mommy is right here. - You're so brave. - Hang in there, it's almost over.

Thank God I didn't know how much longer it actually would be til the seizures ceased! Panic would have raised through the roof.

Looking out window into the dark, the sun's tip starting to peek over the horizon, Mike stepped into the ambulance with Cayman. That was my cue to get moving. I made phone calls, heart pounding through the house, rushing, cramming the mind to think of every possible need and stuff it all into bags.

Load the van. Strap Kobe in. Away the two of us went to the local hospital.

Cayman was still seizing when I arrived. It had been an hour since Mike pulled her out of bed. The seizures were not stopping under the medication given at the hospital. With an oxygen mask over her face the O2 stats still hung in the 80's. Ann Arbor was getting bad weather so the helicopter was not flying. The nearest Mobile Life ambulance equipped for Cayman's transport was coming from an hour away, the facts and hazards to being in a small country town far out from the city.

It took another hour of administering medication - lots of medicine - enough to have stopped a seizure in an adult before they were finally kicked for Cayman.

Her body relaxed. No more shaking, no more eye rolling. She slept. Her breath steady but chest rising and dropping hard. Rumbling heard in the lungs through a stethoscope accounted for possible aspiration. When she vomited during her seizure she was not conscious enough to clear it and the substance from her belly was breathed into her lungs.

{finally the seizures were stopped and she slept}

Andrea, an adored friend of ours living real close by, came up to the hospital to be with Kobe during this craze.

Then my mom arrived.

When transportation made it on scene we split off in different directions. Andrea went home. Mom and Kobe went back to Grandma's place. I rode in the back of the ambulance with Cayman. Mike drove our vehicle following behind.

{in the ambulance}

Cayman's vitals remained stable as she slept. The paramedics looked after her in perfect ways and provided for me comfortable conversation for passing the long two hour trip to Ann Arbor.

When exiting highway 23 in route for the hospital, Cayman opened her eyes for the first. Tiny slits between eye lids, lashes blinking - so beautiful to see life awakening! The Michigan fan paramedic chuckled, "It's this fresh wolverine air that she likes to awake to." That joke was reserved for Mike of course and passed onto him later. Daddy is absolutely certain that is not true. :)

And while on the note of telling the funny, I'll share my foot-in-the-mouth moment that's humorous: The last time Cayman was brought to U of M's emergency department was in May, six months ago. She was placed in the same exact room as the time before. I remember well because Tinkerbell was painted on the window and she was unforgettable.

You may remember my brief blog mentioning of Tink with a caption reading as followed: "A more than slightly disturbed Tinkerbell painted on the window of Cayman's room in the E.R. Either that or a mad Pinocchio has started to wear Tinkerbell's clothes."

As a team of nurses showed us to room 1 of the emergency department I noticed it was a different painting on the window. "The scary Tinkerbell is gone." I stated out loud. And it's possible I may not have ended the sentence there and elaborated a bit on the depiction of Tink's appearance.

Mike sarcastically says, "And watch, they're one of the artists that drew Tinkerbell." he motioned toward the nurses surrounding us, listening in.

Next to me stood a male nurse that shyly piped up, "Actually, it was me that drew her."

Boy was my face red!

In spite of the awkward [and stress] looming, we all could laugh.

And now that I gave you a nice laugh break from the serious, back to the intensity...

At the U of M's E.R., the most crucial and common question was explored - is this a shunt failure?

A CT scan of the head was done. Mike and I walked, hand in hand, behind Cayman lying in a hospital bed wheeled to radiology. She was still awake and stretching her neck to never lose sight of us. She made us smile.

We stood outside the room. The "In Use" light turned on. Scans being taken.

Just behind my shoulder memories materialized. It was the same room, the same exact spot Cayman was brought to the day her heart stopped a year and a half ago. Always, I carry that day. Not with heaviness, as one might think. Rather a confidence that if disaster strikes God carries me even there.

In that messy, ache piercing day, I remember His faithfulness in the details and I see - my thanks fed my trust. The pieces of shelter from the storm He provided counted up as ways to humbly let go.

*(Have you read, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp? You must!)*

{After x-rays, she fell asleep in Daddy's arms.}

X-rays were taken, routine for checking the entire shunt system for detached parts.

Nothing was found broken. CT scan showed stable ventricles. A shunt failure was ruled out.

Blood was drawn - all came back normal. No fever. No signs of any other illnesses.

Only seizures.

That elicited a call to Neurology. It was like waiting for the Grim Reaper to show up, ushering us onto a path we have fought so hard to stay away from.

Epilepsy.

You may - or may not - remember that time 6 months ago when Cayman was flighted to Ann Arbor. We had found her in a similar fashion lying in bed awake vomiting but not with a strong consciousness. She had come out of it on her own. A shunt failure was ruled out then too. That incidence was never pegged with a cause to what really happened.

But when it happened again, and this time returned with a vengeance, a seizure so strong and stubborn it took a lot of medication to break it, pushing past the hour risking endangerment of Cayman's brain, it stirred the attention of Neurology and us too.

She was admitted to the PICU.

An EEG conducted, searching for ab-normal brain waves.

{28 electrodes attached to her head, and chocolate on her lips from Mommy's chocolate chip cookie}

No new seizures were recorded during the 25 minute scan. All normal brain waves noted except for one area on the right toward the back, where they were slightly slowed. The doctor called this postictal, the effects following a seizure, the area of the brain believed where the seizures originated from. During the seizures convulsions were seen on the left side of her body, and her eyes jerked to the left. And since we know the brain controls the opposite side of the body, the postictal waves recorded on the EEG made sense as the origin.

{Grandma Cindy brought Cayman an Elmo. He helped her get through blood pressure readings, temperature takings, and an EEG. They went through all of it together and Cayman was more compliant to have her ping-pong eye-ed friend there with her.}

{playing with her iPad during the EEG hookup}

{Lots of tiny wires.}

{Daddy held her during the EEG. She was too wiggly in bed for a smooth recording.}

{Brain waves.}

Afterwards, a thorough head shampooing to remove all the goop that goes along with an EEG. And a beautiful gown of her very own and a hair bow to match (a gift from Cayman's friends in Atlanta).

The nurses swooned over her and so did we. Cayman was too tuckered out to care. I thought she would go to sleep but then a doctor came in and she saw his stethoscope around his neck. That changed her dopey condition.

"Ah me, ah me, ah me." She said sitting up in bed reaching for the stethoscope.

I have no idea exactly what words "ah me" simulates. We have simply learned it means she wants whatever it is she is seeing. And the fact that verbalizing to express a want is a milestone we were uncertain would ever be hers, we still become giddy when we hear her voice in this way.

"Ah me."

And because she is SOoooo cute, she got to play with a stethoscope...

{Dr. Cayman gave Elmo a check up.}

The Neurologist advised a plan, to place Cayman on seizure med's. Best case scenario, for two years. Lots of questions Mike and I had. Lots of answers given but only led to more questions. The process has been pretty much like walking around with two left feet. Circles. Circles of thinking. The ends brings us back to the beginnings.

{Sleeping on Daddy's shoulder waiting for discharge paperwork to arrive.}

We left the hospital with an emergency dose of diastat to be used in a time if Cayman is seizing longer than 5 minutes. Also, with a prescription for Keppra, a seizure medication. Our minds heavy balancing the benefits verses the risks to putting her on a regular prescription, one that its job is to inhibit.

On our way home we made a stop at the Naturopathic Doctor's office, our main 'go-to-guy' advocating Cayman's care since I was 22 weeks pregnant with her. Not many Saturdays he is in the office, but this Saturday he was. There was one cancellation in the mid afternoon that coordinated perfectly with our hospital discharging schedule. We nabbed the appointment time, grateful to seek a second opinion so soon. Waiting is hard, especially when it's under such pressing matters.

{Testings done by the scanner at the Naturopathic Doctor's office.}

We value the opinions of the medical field. They always provide wonderful urgent care and have Cayman's best in mind. We also value the opinions of this Naturopathic Doctor who we appreciate him for the scientific reasoning behind what is happening and why 'it' occurred, whatever that 'it' may apply to from situation to situation.

We came home, minds swirling with the benefits verses the risks to each of them. Lots to think about - one big decision to be made. Seizure medication or NO seizure medication?? The choices pressed full.

But there is a lot of good wedged tight in minds and hearts too...

There was our same living-away-loving-life Cayman we got to bring home. There was peace from engulfing love of prayers coming from all over. There was words of love and support left in email and on facebook. There was comfort in turning to my mom to look after Kobe perfectly while I was away at the hospital. There was the refreshing feeling returning to a clean house - my brother's doings. There was supper provided so we could just relax - from my in-laws. There was a heavenly dessert left on the front door step with a welcome home party bag for Cayman filled with all things Elmo - from her preschool teacher.

There is love, so much love wedged in our hearts from all of you.

So much thanks, joy multiplied for this here, this now we've got!

Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And for the record, Cayman may have possibly just wanted to say good-bye to the old hospital where she was born and where all 14 surgeries have been performed. She was discharged on Saturday, the last day patients were in the old Mott's Children Hospital. Sunday was moving day into the new shiny facility. I hear it's amazing! Maybe we'll never get to know it for ourselves and that would be alright. But I seriously doubt it. After all Hydrocephalus is a lifelong diagnosis. A cure would be nice, but mostly I think we are quite lucky just as we are.

{Driving passed the new Mott's Children Hospital at U of M.}

Four Men in a Firetruck

2011-11-30T13:00:00.007-05:00

Awoke to a beautiful covering of white snow.
Preschool on a 2-hour delay schedule.

A cozy morning inside.
Home goes on delay as well.
It's enjoyed.
Messes sit.
Still in jammies.

Kobe cries,
he insists breakfast to not be delayed.
I sit to nurse him.
Soon I'll fix something more.
Just want a couple more minutes relaxing
before the day turns up the demands.
Cayman watches videos on the iPad,
pediasure bottle in hand.

A faint sound is heard.
I think I hear it.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

What is that??
At first I am not sure if I hear it.
I turn down the iPad.
Cayman whines.
"Hold on darlin', Mama needs to listen."

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

Yeah, I do hear it!
What is that??
I stand up to investigate.
Kobe's milk feeding interrupted.
He cries.
I stop in the dining room.
Deciding to go left, go right through the house?
I choose right.
Toward the basement.
The sound gets louder, closer.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

Kobe cries in my arms.
We enter the basement together.
My least favorite place.
Change of scenery stops his wailing.
He's curious too.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

On the wall about midway,
the carbon monoxide detector alarms.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

Written under red flashing light
I read, move to clean air.
I exit to the upstairs quickly.
Reach for my phone.
Calling my husband.
He's on a business trip.
Not sure what to do.
He says pack up, leave immediately.

I look around,
trying to figure out how
to mold the morning to this unexpected.

Kobe is crying, still hungry.
Cayman has had only a bottle.
Still in jammies.
Hair unbrushed.
House trickling with messes.
Beds unmade.
Me, unshowered.
Teeth still needing the night to be brushed away.

Terrible timing!
Typical of Emergency,
showing up unannounced
not invited.
No time to plan.
No time to prepare.

If we leave, then what?
The planner inside me asked.

What would Mom do? I wondered.
From another mother's mind
who has been there,
knows the planning little kids require,
the coursing of every possible need,
schedules thrown off.

I call her at work.
She suggests the fire department.

I start with a call to the non-emergency number.
There's an answer, I think he said he's the fire chief.
Basement is still beeping,
Kobe still crying.
Hard to hear.
I step away to muffle noise,
and explain.

He'll be right over, he tells me.

Oh good, help is on the way!

They come,
in big truck filled with men.
Oh my, what a show!

All around meters take readings from air.
Upstairs,
downstairs,
in every room.

No harmful gas found.

That's good!

A new battery placed,
the beeping stops.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's my story of how it took four men in a firetruck to change a battery for me. Making good use of our tax dollars, I am. *wink*

Christmas Spirit

2011-11-29T06:00:00.003-05:00

The way I see it, there are three kinds of Christmas Spirits:

1.) There are the Marathon Christmas-ers. They go the long distance and are conditioned to not grow tired of the holiday. The tree goes up, carols are played, and Christmas shopping is started long before Thanksgiving has even arrived.

2.) The 5k Christmas-ers. These Christmas spirits get involved in the fun but exhaust quicker. They don't feel the bug of the holiday hit until closer to the date, preferring the decorating and music to hold off until then.

3.) And lastly, the Couch-Potato Chrismas-ers. They do not get into the holiday at all. I *whimper* at the thought of it. To this Marathon Christmas-er, I can't imagine not knowing this passion and the joy that comes from this special season.

I am the Marathon Christmas-er. The Spirit of Christmas arrives early for me. I am married to a 5k Christmas-er and we learned there is two options when such differences collide - either duke it out forever or compromise. :)

And being the incredibly mature couple we are (I've gotch ya convinced don't I?), we chose compromise.

So even though it grows cold outside, trees begin to look bare, and sometimes a few snow flurries have flown, I hold back that urge inside that's jumpin' like a child loaded with mountain dew, for the warmth of Christmas to begin. Most years this starts early November for me. I get giddy for the lights, the decorations, the carols. My eyes dance in its beauty. But like all things, I enjoy them most when shared with Mike. And so, the 5k Christmas-er that would prefer all things Christmas to be held off til December and this Marathon Christmas-er that would (do I dare say?) feels the holiday bug biting sometimes as early as October found an agreement to keep the traditions of the holiday fresh, exhausting none. So we wait to deck the halls until Thanksgiving Day has passed, but still a week before December's arrival.

But this year the tree went up early. Two whole weeks early!

Mike carried it up from the basement and said to me, "Here you go, honey!"

*Gasp*

Really??

I had not nagged for this gift! He was just giving it to me, pouring out some unexpected love!

But why?

Does love really ever need a reason?

But if it did, it might be because he knew it would put a smile on my face. It would give to me that little thing I love so much - the concept of "feeling home". Uprooting is hard for me, and he knows that. We've done it so many times in our marriage and I don't do it well. Change, transitioning, losing a piece of home being your own when it's set up for someone else to find it as theirs, the chaos of all belongings lost in a maze of boxes, knowing there will be another place to call home just not knowing where or when it will come. It all challenges the core of the nester, the planner that I am.

But it makes me happy to see my Christmas tree and stockings hung neatly in a row. Although they've been in place like that for 2 weeks, I [cowardly] mention it now so as to avoid those rivaling snares of the 5k Christmas-ers who believe it's-too-early-for-Christmas-before-Thanksgiving.

The inward excitement of the Christmas season is not silenced easily. It's been whispering, "Is it time yet?".

And in our home it arrived a few weeks ago!

Thanksgiving Day

2011-11-28T06:00:00.008-05:00

By the way, Cayman wanted you to know...

Thanksgiving day was Awe!Some!

The holiday was filled with all the good stuff...

Gratitude.

Seeing lots of family.

Eating lots of yummy food.

Playing with cousins.

Sitting in Time-Out
for repeatedly pushing cousin Makenna down.
That part maybe not-so-awesome.
But kids getting in trouble
at family holiday gatherings -
memorable.
Conversation became spiked with reminiscing old memories back when we were the kids and the mischief that happened.

Making new memories and remembering the old ones - that's the good stuff.

:)

Kobe's 1st Black Eye

2011-11-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

Given to him by his sister.

She swung a toy, hitting him in the eye.

The verdict ruled, for a change, the incident was accidental. She did not intend to hit him. She was bringing him the toy (one of his favorites), carrying it by the swinging handle, and lost control over the giving force for which she delivered it.

Earlier Brother had pulled a chunk out of Sister's hair.

Now they're even.

Ohio State vs. Michigan Game Day

2011-11-26T19:36:00.004-05:00

It was an edge of the seat game.

They pushed ahead.

Then we'd push ahead.

It came down to the final last minute of the game. It could have gone either way. Buckeyes had possession of the ball. One touchdown to win the game! It was exciting! Braxton Miller's last minute desperation pass was interceped.

*groan*

(On another note, I sound quite football cultured, don't I? I just may or may not have had some help from my husband writing this.) :)

It was unpleasant, Buckeyes' defeat.

And for those wondering souls...

I can tell you Mike is recovering best as possible.

Happy Turkey Day

2011-11-24T06:00:00.001-05:00

Wishing you a
happy thanksgiving
from
our home
to yours.

{Preschool's Thanksgiving - Cayman was a Pilgrim}

She's NO longer a Tube Puller, right Cayman? ;)

2011-11-23T09:00:00.004-05:00

{Cayman's hearing aids - pink and clear ear molds with a hint of pink, filled with sparkles.}

It has been two months of an adventure getting properly working hearing aids back on Cayman's ears.

It started in mid September when Cayman pulled off her aids in the vehicle and threw them. One ear mold was never recovered. She went without her aids for the rest of September.

We got into the Audiologist's office for a new fitting. Impressions were taken and sent away.

Two weeks went by. We returned.

The first molds were a fail. :(
The fit was all wrong!
More impressions taken.

Two weeks went by. We returned agian.

Second molds were also a fail. :(

Cayman's ears are "unique" but you still have to wonder how can they keep getting something so wrong that is made from an exact mold of her ear??

The Audiologist and I were growing frustrated.
Another set of impressions were made and sent away.

Two weeks went by.

And just yesterday we returned to the Audiologist's office for another try.

I held my breath...

The molds were slipped in...

Ah, they are a perfect fit!!

At last!!

Before leaving, the audiologist gave Cayman a sticker, with an ironic message that made me laugh:

"I'm NOT a tube puller".

To Get That One Perfect Shot

2011-11-22T06:00:00.004-05:00

A photo shoot with Brutus
on each monthly birthday
is easy enough...

when you have a newborn.

But when that newborn,
so calm and still,
turns mobile
an attention deficit disorder ensues.

And here's the ones you don't see
in the monthly birthday post...

Brutus takes a bit of a beating
while trying to get that one perfect shot.

Not to mention all that...
repositioning, holding back, re-propping, retrieving,
had a particular Daddy's arms
tired by the end too.

Kobe's 10 Months Old

2011-11-21T08:38:00.002-05:00

My little Kobe, goodness I feel as if I am writing these letters by the week. Has a month gone already? I am really hoping to slow things down and savor the next two months because you are already 10 MONTHS OLD, my love! A year is approaching.

I am in love with the fun this age brings for you. I can see in your Daddy's face that he is too. Can't say the same for Sister though. She seems to find your mobility and desire to play with whatever she has rude and obnoxious.

You have become interested in so many new things. You really love looking at photos and touching the faces. You laugh more and have gained an ornery glee in your eye when you're playing with us.

I can't turn my back for a second without you trying to climb on top of something.

You still love to eat. I feel so much delight over that! You insist on trying whatever is on our plates and oh the faces you can make crack us up! A terrible face does not necessarily indicate dislike for the taste either. When it's a different flavor, texture, or temperature than what you already know you scrunch up your face all wrinkly like a shar pei.

You spoke your first word this month and I nearly burst with pride when I heard it! Of course that first word being "Mom" had nothing to do with that. *wink*

Grandma Sue received your first wave. Sitting in the high chair eating, those little chubby fingers of yours fanned the air in the direction of your gaze, right at Grandma Sue. You were waving to her! It was spectacular the way you did it all on your own.

Knobby knees thundering across the hardwood floor, you found Mommy's bonsai tree on the fireplace hearth. I came into the room and saw its branches wildly swaying like a palm tree in a hurricane. Dirt was everywhere including in your mouth! Ew! You just did not see the wrong in this and expressed angry tears when I pulled you away to clean up the mess.

Speaking of anger, you have a particular upset squeal reserved only for Sister when she makes you mad. My ears have learned what this means even if my eyes were clueless to the situation. Usually it means that Sister took a toy away from you or she pushed you down.

I love your Frankenstein toddle while holding onto Mommy's hands. You love, love to be up on your feet, toes particularly. I am told by those more experienced mothers than I in this department that this means soon you will be taking your first steps all on your own. This is hard for me to imagine but I accept its truth. And so I watch, waiting to catch a glimpse of this wonder.

And my word(!) you have the most grabby hands! They're fast too!! I told your daddy that I think you just might have super powers. When you see something you want those hands of yours with suction cup force nab it into your grasp faster than the human eye can see.

You are not a happy rise-and-shine-er. Waking up, from the night or from a nap, these are just not favorite parts to your day. Always those eyes open with crying and a grumpy face that is just so cute I can't resist kissing your round cheeks over and over.

You are such a precious gift Kobe. And I love you with all of my heart, my sweet baby boy.

~Mommy, xx

Bossy Big Sister

2011-11-18T13:20:00.007-05:00

As a baby it was not typical of Cayman to put things in her mouth.

Toddlerhood has changed a lot for her in that area. Constantly she seeks that oral sensory input. She chews on her shirt collars, fingers, the ipod (gasp!).

She was given a necklace by her therapist to help with this. It's suppose to be that one item she is allowed to chew on, giving her that sensory satisfaction and the deal goes that she leave everything else alone.

But things don't always happen that easy. So instead frequently we correct this behavior when she is chewing on something forbidden.

We say to her, "Hey", to gain her attention. "Out of the mouth!".

She obeys, usually immediately. She understands what we are telling her. She just forgets to continue with the instructions as soon that item is back in her mouth.

The funniest thing happened a couple mornings ago. I had just finished fixing Cayman's hair for preschool. She looked up and saw Brother chewing on her doll.

"Hey! Ow a mouf" she shouted to him.

Oh and I did something regretful. I laughed and laughed over her bossiness. It was funny. :)

And now she thinks it's awesome and yells at brother, "Ow a mouf!" anytime she sees any toy in his mouth.

Kobe's Weighted Blanket

2011-11-11T08:46:00.008-05:00

The combination of needing to create coupled with a thrifty mind found myself at my mom's sewing machine Wednesday night.

To explain the depth of my satisfaction right now over my successful sewing endeavor you first have to understand I am not a sewer. Wait(!), that says soo-er(!). Is a person that sews the same word as an underground channel for carrying off waste matter???

Excuse me, while I go google.

*crickets chirping*

Yeah, they are! Huh, I think that's funny!

Digressing.

I made Kobe a weighted blanket! My good friend Jill sewed one for Cayman some time ago, not really so much for calming sensory reasons, just for the comfort of it. The blanket drapes so nicely and she sleeps cozy under it. I thought Kobe would too.

If you are familiar with these blankets you might also be aware that they can run expensive to buy. And I am all about saving right now. Well, I guess I am always about that but more so lately knowing there's going to be a lot of our earned bread bucks leaving hastily with moving expenses, closing costs, down payments, etc, etc. I am just elated to not spend a whole lot of money right now.

Making this blanket was a huge success in two ways:

1.) It costs me less than $10 to make! Thanks to Mom's love of garage saling, she happened to find me 3.5 pounds of poly pellets! And then I patiently waited for a coupon to Joann Fabric's, which didn't take much patience since those come by frequently.

and

2.) Kobe has now had two sleep occurrences with his new blanket - yesterday afternoon nap and through the night. His naps usually last around 1 1/2 to 2 hours. But yesterday, sleeping snuggling under his weighted blanket, his nap went long into the early evening. Fifteen minutes past 3 hours of napping I went in and woke his butt up, fearing he wouldn't sleep good in the night napping so long! He went to bed for the night around 10 p.m. and slept til 6:45 a.m.! He's normally a 5 a.m. riser! This is great! I hope it continues!

So this mama is floating with good feelings, the satisfaction of making something myself that works so well. The accomplishment is further elevated over the fact I have never been a sewer - meaning a person that sews that is, not mistaken as a conduit for waste.

***for weighted blanket
pattern click
here
and follow the link
within that link.

Home Stays with Me

2011-11-10T09:05:00.010-05:00

{Photo has nothing to do with the post. Just a picture I came across that made me happy.}

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task." -- William James

I read that this morning and it struck a light and I thought, "Yeah! That is a great explanation of why this house selling business feels exhausting for me."

I am a planner. I am a nester. I am a get-it-done and check-it-off the list-er.

Waiting on a sell of a house to finalize and slip into the plans of relocating messes with all this.

There is moving from one place to another within the same town. And then there is moving to relocate. The latter is what we will be doing and have done 5 times out of the 7 moves within our 7 years of marriage. Moving to relocate uproots all my nesting, not just within the walls of our house. And I am feeling burdened to be settled.

It's difficult to plan without a time frame. Cleaning, organizing, and completing home projects does not fill me with those fuzzy feelings of nesting I love so much. I will be packing it up and leaving it. It's the opposite of nesting. I look forward to making those BIG check-off marks: House sold, check. Next House bought, check. All boxes collected and house packed into them, check check. Moving truck loaded, check. Unpack and nest, check please!!

I look forward to the return of settled-in-at-home feelings! In the meantime I am a student of patience and contentment as we wait out this transition.

I am thankful, though houses get bought and sold, a home stays with me always.

Cayman Spells Her Name

2011-11-09T09:16:00.003-05:00

This girl, she does so remarkable with letters!

You heard her say the alphabet recently.

Now, listen to her ability to spell her name, plus so much verbalizing she can do!

Football in the Park...

2011-11-06T17:30:00.020-05:00

An excuse for men to play like boys today.

And act like old men tomorrow.

"Daddy!" she signed and spoke when she spotted him.
The next scene was unframed as I had to put the camera down to go retrieve her.
She was crawling onto the field while saying, "Kiss. Kiss." She wanted to go give her daddy a kiss.
Sweet, isn't?

Kobe thought he'd try a sneak onto the field as well...

Cayman's latest curiosity - shoe tying.
She loves twisting shoelaces around, moving her fingers rapidly over the strings. Not really accomplishing a bow but she doesn't seem to notice. She's just having fun mimicking mommy.

U of M's New Mott Children's Hospital

2011-11-04T14:55:00.005-04:00

I've been proudly watching, from ground up, U of M's new C. S. Mott Children's Hospital be built. Construction began in 2008, the year Cayman was born. And today it is open! Ribbon cutting ceremony was yesterday. Staff tours are being conducted today. And the public open house is on Sunday. We will not be there for it but I am excited to see this day come!

The new hospital, by numbers:

Approximately 600 construction workers were on site each day during the building phase
1.1 million square feet make up the new Mott Children's Hospital and The Von Voigtlander Women's Birth Center
12-story inpatient wing and a 9-story clinic wing
348 beds, including 50 private maternity rooms, 6 rooms with birthing tubs, and 46 private NICU rooms.
16 operating rooms and 2 interventional radiology rooms
1.3 million sheets of drywall
62,400,000 drywall screws holding them up
1,448 hand sanitizers in the new hospital
1,618 soap dispensers
The total project cost was approximately $750 million and was currently the largest construction project in Michigan.

What the new facility means for the patients and families:

Each of the inpatient rooms is approximately 300 square foot, private room with a sleep space for a parent and a large window with a beautiful view.
The new hospital features a breathtaking two-story lobby offering entertainment and other activities, opening into an outdoor garden park and reflection area.
In addition to the Ronald McDonald House located around the corner from the hospital, families will also be able to utilize a new in-hospital Ronald McDonald House offering 12 rooms with private baths for families needing short-term lodging to be near critically ill children.
The new facility has its own dining area with food available for both in-hospital dining as well as take-out for families and visitors to take home on busy days.
Families can take advantage of a peaceful meditation space, gift shop, family workout room and an indoor playground!
Families and visitors will also find Welcome Assistants stationed just off the elevator on every floor to help visitors find their way to clinics and patient rooms.
The Von Voigtlander Women’s Hospital birth center is located within the children’s hospital, providing seamless care for mother and baby with a high risk pregnancy team, newborn intensive care team and pediatric subspecialists on site around the clock.
The 9-story outpatient clinic tower is connected to the 12-story inpatient tower, so patients and their families will have easy access to their visits and appointments through the same convenient elevator bank.

...and more and more.

Now that I have bored you with a sliver of the details I will leave you with the thought resting cozy in a corner of my mind. Cayman's surgery on her thumbs will be in February. The hospital stay will be more comfortable than it ever has been thanks to the spacious, private rooms.

Life says, "You can't have it all."

But in this case...

Awesome medical care...

And pampered needs while in the hospital.

I guess sometimes you can have it all!

:)

Baby Needs Tweak the Routine

2011-11-01T15:50:00.007-04:00

There comes that time when growing children call for some tweaking to the daily routine.

Kobe is no longer so compliant laying in his bouncy seat playing while I do my hair at the bathroom mirror each morning. Crawling and standing has given that little man the sweet taste of freedom and now car seats, high chairs, and bouncy seats are something to loathe.

"Not-huh, he will not be tied down", his screaming cry declares!

So to keep a baby happy, which keeps a mommy relaxed while getting ready for the day, the bouncy seat routine was kicked.

He just grew up a little bit more today.

No more lying, no more tied down.

Today he sat in the hallway outside the master bath brushing his teeth with Sister, a routine I started with Cayman awhile ago when she moved passed the contentment of laying still and needed something more to do.

{Cayman and I in April 2010}

Present day...

{There is nothing wrong with your eye sight, these pictures are just unfortunately blurry.}

Fall Photos: Outdoors

2011-10-30T16:53:00.019-04:00

Yellow leaves are my favorite.

I think it has to do with the way they glow when the sun shines through them, especially early in the morning.

Maybe it's that their hue is pleasing because of a harmonizing color placement, an adjacent match to the green grass.

Whatever reason I just know I notice yellow leaves more than others. And in our front yard there is a tree that glows gorgeous yellow every Autumn season.

I wait for it.

It is one of the last trees to fully turn and give up its beauty, holding onto it for as long as possible.

This is our last Autumn here at this place so we mustn't miss the fun playing around in this fallen color.

Busy as a Bee

2011-10-29T13:07:00.006-04:00

I stole away for a minute right now, while Kobe is sleeping and Cayman is grocery shopping with Mike (so nice to have that husband of mine home!), to in quick summary write what the last month has been for us because in years to come I don't think I am going to believe it, nor remember it for that matter. Auto pilot kicks on during busy times and puts a veil over memory.

Just where am I these days?

Well, let's see, I've been...

Taking care of a baby and a toddler. Being husband-less for 5 weeks, home only on the weekends. Hauling kids around to therapy, to doctor appointments, to preschool, on errands, and to family gatherings. Upholding my photography business while cleaning house and gathering boxes from local businesses, beginning to pack to prepare for closing. Finding out closing date will not be happening, putting our house back on the market with an active status and undoing all that box collecting and packing to tidy up the house again for showings. I continue to organize so packing goes smoothly when we're ready for that again. Putting on hold our plans to close on another house. Putting together a moving to-do list, organizing all that will need to be done when everything is finalized like address change on mail, subscriptions, and other million things you don't think about much until you have to think about everything! Keeping up with the regular stuff like feeding and watering 2 kids, one of which is still on a nursing schedule. Turning extra attention to this schedule trying to convince a tired body to keep the milk factory open. Fixing three meals a day, cleaning up from said meals. Grocery shopping, paying bills, laundry, baths, diaper changes, picking up toys, wiping spilled beverages, cleaning up dropped plates of food, rewinding entire rolls of toilet paper, mopping baby spit up and drool, consoling and kissing fallen baby's boo-boo's, rocking, holding, loving, disciplining, teaching.

Pffhh!

If I ever look back and wonder how I did it or survived through it I think this is what I would say:

It's mental toughness.

Ever hear runners talk about mental toughness as a modality as important as physical preparedness? Ever wonder how runners make it through those long, enduring races like a marathon? What are they thinking about when they run 26.2 miles?

I heard mental toughness defined as this once:

The ability to persevere in the face of challenge and disappointment. It is about being able to perform to your potential in the face of both pressure from others and the pressure from yourself. It’s about controlling your emotions so your level of emotional arousal is where it needs to be to perform your best.

As a mother, especially on the days when I am juggling it alone, mental toughness becomes the ability to use self-discipline to time manage and multi-task to get from my body the performance it needs to get it all done and done without screaming or whining at everyone/thing that crosses my path, poised through the unexpected and the hard.

It's takes mental toughness.

And, if I may add, reading the Word of God.

A. Lot. Of the Word of God.

The Weekend is Beckoning

2011-10-28T08:25:00.005-04:00

It's been a rough week. But I made it!

Our house went back on the market for sale.
The process starts all over again.
As disappointing as this has been I do feel okay about it.

This was the 5th week in a row of Mike being gone and home only on the weekends.
Some days we were just not able to get our timing right and spent very little time talking over the phone. Made for missing him and all the happenings with our house more challenging. But overall, still managed through it well.
And he'll be home all of next week.

I returned to the Audiologist's.
The 2nd attempt at making ear molds for Cayman was a fail.
However, in spite of the imperfections this time the doctor was able to carve them just enough to make a temporary fit while another set of molds are being made. Third time is a charm, right? But if not perhaps it's time to find a new manufacturer. So Cayman does have her aids back on her ears right now after 6 weeks without them.

The weekend is beckoning.

Yawning is compulsory.

Carving Pumpkins

2011-10-24T14:31:00.022-04:00

So you know how I love pumpkins and picking my own out for carving? Well this year there is a story to be told about this. We went to a local pumpkin patch. I looked and looked among the choices carefully deciding on which one was the one. My pick was full of character and uniqueness. Still very round but the stem was all bendy and tall with curvy lines. But on day three at home my pumpkin turned gross! Only mine. Not Mike's. Not Cayman's nor Kobe's. Just mine!

A week or two later on an evening after an all day family gathering, and after dropping by my dad's house to pick up boxes he had reserved for our upcoming move, we were driving by that same pumpkin patch again. It was 9 'o clock at night. It was dark outside.

"Oh, we should see about getting my pumpkin replaced." I said to Mike.

"Let's do it now." he replied.

I didn't argue regardless of the late hour. Our life is too busy it was either now or not at all for this year. I didn't want the latter to happen so the choice was now.

Mike pulled into the driveway. Called the phone number posted at the side of the road. Only our van's headlights brightening the path.

"Hey, is this pumpkin guy?" He asked. And explained our story to him.

"Sure, no problem." The pumpkin guy gave us the go-ahead to replace our rotten pumpkin. So very nice of him to do that and not mind us disturbing him at a late hour

"Just pick any one that's not rotting." I told Mike. I was tired, too tired to get out and choose a pumpkin. I just wanted to make it quick and get home. We had been gone all day. Kids were tired, I was tired, Mike was tired.

Mike held up a pumpkin in the beam of light seeking my approval. It was a dark night, hard to see. I shrugged my shoulders and nodded. "Sure, that's fine, I'm good with whatever." I shouted to him. And he loaded it into the back of our van.

Away we went.

At home Mike carried in my new pumpkin. We got to see it for the first in true light.

"Sweetheart, I am afraid it's a bit of a Charlie Brown pumpkin for ya", he said sounding disappointed that I might be disappointed, for he understands that even when a tired woman says, "I'm good with anything." that just might not actually be true.

But we both laughed over the site of it...
Believe it or not, this is taken of its best side. It was lumpy and beat up. But the stem was quite cool! In the dark it was all that Mike could see. The stem was tall and bendy, a characteristic I liked on my last pumpkin. And he picked it for that reason.

"That's alright." I responded to my apologetic husband. "I will call it 'The Exhausted Mummy pumpkin."

And that's the story of my this year's jack-o-lantern...

Kobe and Uncle Tyson.

Kobe seemed indifferent
about the pumpkin guts.

He touched.

He tasted.
He cried.
He cries a lot
these days.
Teething is hard
for him.

Cayman did not
do so well
with the pumpkin guts
experience.

She was disgusted
and she hadn't
even touched it yet!

And cried
over the very thought
of having to touch it!

But given
a scooper to hold...

And a drink
to drink...

She was happier
to watch us carve,
But just don't
ask her to touch
any of it!

From left to right: Kobe's pumpkin (it was suppose to have 6 teeth just like him, but we lost one on the carving punch out), my pumpkin (Exhausted Mummy), Cayman's pumpkin (drawn by her with my assistance in the shapes she is learning), and Mike's (a first for him to carve something so traditional like an actual jack-o-lantern face).

Happy Birthday today to Uncle Tyson!

Kobe's 9 Months Old

2011-10-20T06:00:00.009-04:00

Nine months old, what a big boy!

Does it feel like this many minutes...days...months have passed to me?

Sometimes, yes.

But only during those times when you were awake in the wee hours each and every night for 8 months - that was eight months without a good night's sleep for this mama. Short nights waking to exhausted body for a demanding day has a way of extending the feel of time.

But now, now you sleep through the night (well, most of the time)! There's a whole different story to this setting. There's routine and rest settling in here, making its home and living in our household. The habitual changes the feel of time. It builds time such that it sneaks up on ya and hits you with a POW (!!) right in cerebellum's front and you think, "My baby is already 9 months old?? How can this be?"

Forging passed the focus of the long sleepless months and remembering your newborn tininess - it does feel that this happened so fast! I recall all the exclamations over how little you looked as a newborn, as all newborns do. Every mother declared there was no way their baby was ever that tiny when they looked at you. Now I am that mother, looking at other newborns and scratching my head in bewilderment. How did you go from that itty-bitty baby barely with any fat to fill in wrinkled legs to a much, much bigger chunky baby that moves around, crawls and stands, and even walking with our help. It's mind blowing how fast this is happening!

Back to the topic of your slumber cycle...

You have a complete routine around the clock. Two naps during the day - one in the morning, and one in the afternoon which sometimes occurs when Sister takes her nap (nice!). Lest we're in the vehicle driving. You love to sleep while traveling! It's your thang. Sort of like spitting up, it's how you roll. Sometimes these travel cat naps push the routine off kilter a bit. But Mama stays flexible with ya. I think you are a good trooper, tagging along to all the things we do for Sister of all hours in a day. We're nothing if we're not flexible, so we stay bendy with the schedule.

At night, yes indeed you are sleeping through the night now! It took parental establishment to make this happen. There was a few cry-it-out nights endured. Not an easy thing, but the achieved goal is wonderful - sleeping from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m., with no more waking at 2 a.m. That is purrrfection!

Well, maybe not perfection.

I mean after all it is 5 a.m. It's still dark outside - hours before we see light! What kind of crazy people are up and about at these hours? Vampires racing home to their coffins, that’s who. Normal people are still in bed. But oh believe me Mama is biting her tongue on this note. I'll take this schedule, really I will. For those middle of the night wakings were kicking my butt! Maybe I can finally grow into the morning person I've always wanted to be.

The timing of this milestone is appreciated. This month has been extremely taxing with a few difficult past weeks. However sleep grows endurability. Thank you Little Man for giving Mommy sleepful nights. It's really helping me out a lot!

Watching you grow each and every day is like nothing I have ever experienced.

So let me tell you what nine months old is for you...

Nine months is curiosity...

The electronics sitting so low at your level on the TV stand, really how can they not be for you? Sorry Little Man, they're not. I know, disappointing it is. And some even have flashing colored lights too! Come on(!), how unfair can life be? It's your first mingling with life's most common lesson.

Nine months is playful...

When Sister is crawling in your direction you love to squeal in delight and take off on a fast crawl as she tries to catch you.

Nine months is illustrating separation anxiety...

Bouts of this I am seeing. At home you cry when Mommy leaves the room. And when I have left you with a sitter you did not cry on my initial "disappearance" but when Mama returned one look at me and big wailing tears poured until you were back in my arms!

Nine months is a monstrous appetite...

This part has been a lot of fun for me, you're so eager for every bite! We ditched Gerber and I began making your own pureed food. You like it so much better and I like knowing the food is prepared best. You love to sample whatever is on our plate and have become quite observant when we bring a snack into the living room. Soon you are at my feet with an open wide gaping mouth wanting some too. I just started dicing up food into itty bitty bites. You're still not sure about this though. You're sensitive about changes in texture and consistency of your foods. A few favorites have been: sweet potatoes, green beans, pot roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, oatmeal, bananas, avocado, noodles, little bites of apple, flaked salmon. Yes salmon. Totally weird, but I am seriously proud of that little palate.

Nine months old is being off the charts...

All that eating is putting some junk in your trunk. You are twenty-one pounds! This means I have stopped carrying you while in your carseat. You were just way too heavy in it for me to comfortably carry without strain.

Nine months is protesting your car seat...

The taste of frequent freedom from your seat has given way to an absolute and total disgust for it all together. You make your body stiff and straight when trying to put you in it, with lots of grunting and crying.

Nine months is pulling yourself to stand...

All day, everywhere you pull yourself up on each and every surface. Your crib mattress was lowered to its bottom setting. And you love to "walk" with the assistance of someone.

Nine months is getting more teeth...

{It's all those teeth in there that are suppose to be the focus of the picture, not the pink bib which is a result of having a big Sister for some hand-me-downs.}

Your 6th tooth is about to come through. But those dang teeth continue to be quite a struggle for you to receive. It's easy to tell, you have moments of complete discomfort, which brings out your crabby side (hey, we all have one).

Nine months old is...

Having an obsessions with books. And I LOVE IT. You do more terrorizing the poor books however than looking at the pictures. You got a hold of Sister's favorite book - "Llama Llama Red Pajama". You tore and crinkled up a few pages. She noticed. She stared long over those pages and put a hand out trying to flatten the wrinkles. We keep books like those up out of your reach now. Board and fabric books are more endurable for your mischief.

Nine months is...

Having a narcissistic complex.

Peek-a-boo, kisses, and smiles you play to your reflection, plastering your mouth all over the mirror. You're just that cute that even you want to eat yourself up.

Nine months old is...

Wiggles. You squirm and twist when you don't want to be held anymore, when you don't want to be changed, or be put in your highchair, car seat, or bed.

You continue to amaze us with all these changes and the exuberant expression of your personality in the day-to-day. I've said it before, but now it's defined with real earnest meaning - You. Are. So. Busy! Everything is changing much faster than I could ever wrap my mind around. I knew it would, still I didn't grasp it. But one thing I am determined to grasp is the heart knowledge I am living some of the best years of my life. Exhausted beyond belief most day, but right now there is magic happening. I love staying at home with you and Sister. The small moments and big milestones I am able to witness are because I am here each day with you. Your Daddy is my hero for giving me this gift. Did you know he's the one that makes it possible? He works hard and gives us so much love. Grow to be just like him Little Man, I pray. Watch him. Do as he does. He'll show you how to love God, how to love your family, how to care for a wife, how to cradle a child, how to be a devoted friend. Someday you'll grow wings and fly. And that will be beautiful and my heart will soar to its own cadence watching you just as it has already begun. I am so proud of you!

SO my little 9-month old, thank you for doing what you do. You're our joy and we love you to the moon and back....xoxo

~ Mommy

Autumn Photos: Indoors

2011-10-17T22:00:00.001-04:00

Because today could be more about just them...

Because today the focus did not need to be on selling a house...

Because it's been a very busy 2 months and the picture taking has been minimal...

Because the next 2 months busy will remain and picture taking will likely stay minimal...

Because Mike is gone and by the evening I felt bored without him...

And because apparently I like to torture my children by setting them up with hair done, and coordinating outfits in the hour of bedtime fast approaching...

And because I apparently like to torture myself by exhausting efforts of getting them to sit still - be nice - don't move - look at mama - smile for the camera...

What a good laugh it was taking pictures tonight of my cute and crazy busy little people.

In hopes to come soon...Autumn Photos: Outdoors

We Have a Buyer

2011-10-17T05:27:00.001-04:00

An exciting weekend,
we accepted an offer on our house!

We have an accepted offer on a new house.

Moving day will be fast approaching!

Now I Said My ABC's

2011-10-11T08:00:00.001-04:00

At the beginning of summer break I gave myself an assignment - to teach Cayman the alphabet.

Learning can be a little arduous sometimes for her. And then other times it comes quickly and smooth. I was not certain where this assignment would fall. But we gave it a shot.

At the end of June I wrote this entry in my journal:

I've been teaching Cayman the alphabet. A fulfillment of satisfaction this has been for me. Of course it would be though; playing school was my favorite childhood game. I was always the teacher. My brother, my ~~victim~~ student. The most fascinating part to all of this is the interest and ability Cayman shows in learning. And so I teach. She watches my fingers as I sign each letter of the alphabet listening while I sing the tune. She knows the ending and claps when we've reached it as though to say, "bravo, bravo Mommy!". I smile in humored adoration. She hasn't figured out yet what a terrible singer her mommy is. :) And then I sing it again for her. She watches me carefully. She moves her hands, changing finger placement along with mine and rotating wrists. She forms correctly the letters A, C, D, and E. Speaks clearly a letter F. I slow down the song and pause after "E" giving her a chance to say it, her soft and breathy "F". I love it! It hits me with joy every time! I am pretty certain I have heard an "O" spoken as well. Such a fun piece of enjoyment this is for me. My girl, born with scant evidence of a brain, is learning the alphabet, and at the age of 3! Add it to the list of her amazing-ness.

Then in July I posted a video of her progress in alphabet learning.

And present day Cayman can say it and "sign" it all on her own as well as correctly identify each letter by site...

Pumpkins Make Me Happy

2011-10-08T21:32:00.012-04:00

Carving a jack o' lantern as a kid made me happy. Standing on a chair to reach in deep, pulling out all the gooey innards. Carefully designing and tracing the face. Watching piece by piece it appear under the cut of a knife. And finish by glowing to life at the light of a candle. It was magic.

All grown up, I still love pumpkins. Just being around them makes me happy.

In our first year of marriage I thought it was a given, we'd drive to a store or a pumpkin patch to carefully pick one of these beautiful orange ball of ridges to take home, for carving purposes of course. I never missed a year. And when I mentioned it to my husband, "Ha!" Mike laughed, "That's so cheesy!"

"What?!?" I gasped! "Blasphemy!"

And guess what? We bought a pumpkin that year. Oh yes we did! And every year since!

That's right, the 'ol ball and chain hooked him good. :)

And while I know he would probably never carve a pumpkin without me because it's not his thing, he has done it every year without a fight. And I know it's because he enjoys doing things that I love.

It's the favorite part of tradition I seek - the coming under a common occurrence to reminisce the old while creating the new.

It's the best.

He's the best.

And today we chose our pumpkins of this year's season.

And while we were at the pumpkin patch searching among all the choices, seeing which would pop to our eye's choosing, I paused to sneak a loving gaze at him, feeling thankful. Because 7 years ago when he complied to make this tradition a part of us before we even had kids, he said yes to letting me feel happy. The happy that I feel from being around pumpkins. The happy I feel from bringing one home to carve. The happy I feel to be loved this much, that he would do something as he calls cheesy but find enjoyment in it anyways because he loves me.

Because he loves me!

Now that's the perfect kind of happy!

Forward-Facing

2011-10-07T09:06:00.009-04:00

Last weekend Cayman joined the rest of the front-facing passengers of the world. Her car seat no longer faces backwards!

You might be thinking, "She's 3 1/2 years old! Why on earth was she still rear-facing?"

Well, there's an answer for that and I can tell you. It's because she has crazy-weird-over-the-top-protective parents that have kept her rear-facing for this long because they were once told it's the safest position for a child to be if in a car accident.

(Don't believe it? Watch this video.)

And so that is what we did, until those legs of hers could no longer comfortably bend around the cramped position of a rear-facing car seat.

And to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth here, that was probably a few weeks ago more than just this past weekend.

Okay, okay, so maybe that point was surpassed a few months ago! Alright, I confess! There, you have it!

So we're not even close to the realm of normal parents! The normal parent excitedly counts the pounds til baby can join them forward facing in the vehicle. Nope, not us. Not-huh. We were all fanatical and lunatics about this. Marlin from "Finding Nemo" comes to mind.

"~~The dropoff~~ Forward-facing? They're going to ~~the dropoff~~ ride forward-facing? What, what are you insane? Why not just fry them up now and serve them with chips?”

But wait, I haven't even gotten to the ~~depth of how deep our problems go~~ funniest part of all this.

I have a video, of course, of Cayman's first forward-facing ride. It's a monumental moment, ya know.

In the video, I am in the front passenger seat filming Cayman over my shoulder. Mike is driving. Uncle Tyson (my brother) is riding in the third row backseat of our van, (he's not really significant to this story, just adding that detail to cease the wondering of who that deranged person in the backseat is wearing shorts and bundled up in a thick coat to beat the cold autumn air.)

First we back out the driveway. Travel to the end of our street and stop at the stop sign. Then while making a right turn Mike looks over his shoulder back at Cayman to watch her reactions to this new change in riding position.

So - turning and not watching the road...

Good combination, wouldn't ya say? Especially for fanatical parents that are suppose to be nerd-crazy on safety!

The video ends with my reaction to our vehicle's acceleration toward our neighbor's curb.

("Sorry Ken and Leisa! No worries though, your yard was spared on account of my screaming alerting Mike to his blunder.") :)

Guest Blogging for Hydrocephalus Awareness

2011-10-05T09:09:00.004-04:00

Last month was Hydrocephalus Awareness Month.

The author of the blog All Things created a series to raise awareness and understanding of how this diagnosis affects families in different and similar ways.

Each week a new family is featured. I was honored to be asked to participate in telling how Hydrocephalus has impacted our family.

To read my guest post click here.

Ft. Lauderdale Vacation: The Motherload, Part 3

2011-10-04T20:29:00.001-04:00

We're in a very busy season of life. I want to catch ya up on where we are, not alluding to a physical location so much as just the routine of everyday life as it is right now for us. But before I can do that I first need to finish up this vacation series. I like keeping my blog on a chronological time order. And so, since I can't seem to make blogging a frequent idea anymore this will be a quick wrap-up on this vacation series.

If you think you can handle the huge digital file dump I am about to throw on ya, please proceed.

On the second day...

After breakfast we were beach bums.
This afternoon was probably one of my favorites from the trip. We floated around in the waves, soaked up the sun, and enjoyed being lazy. As a mama of these two little ones of mine I am constantly moving and surrounded by busy. I liked laying back on a towel in the warm sun with no agenda looming over my head that day. It felt like peace.

Later, we walked along the beach line, popping in and out of shops doing some touristy browsing - looking at all the items, trying things on, deciding a purchase or not.

We ate supper at Da Big Kahuna. A restaurant raised up on a higher level, we ate with a balcony view of the ocean. It was a beautiful time.

A late night swim, at 11 'o clock p.m. (am I aging myself by calling that hour late?), we had the pool all to ourselves. It was the only time I swam at the hotel's swimming pool because really when the ocean is that close by, when would I pass up the beach except for at night when the ocean turns black and creepy mysterious.

On our 3rd day...

Ambitious for some beautiful family pictures, we woke up early before sunrise. Ryan was a good sport and forfeited his comfy spot in bed to come down to the beach and snap the pictures for us.

We spent the day in Hollywood, Florida. We went by Water Taxi, cruising along the channels which have earned Ft. Lauderdale the nickname "The Venice of America". Along these waterways the guide tells tales and the inside scoop on the heirs, wealthy business people, and celebrities who own or did own the region's waterfront homes and the mega-yachts. We saw Judge Judy's yacht and the home where Sonny and Cher spent many winters. And my personal favorite, the waterfront house that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz built (pictured below, top right. Judge Judy's yacht directly below that picture.).

That night we went out to supper at a restaurant that right now has slipped my mind. It was their 39th anniversary and so everything was 39% off. There was live music and Grandpa was lucky enough to get a personal serenading.

On our 4th day, the last day...

In the morning some of us went on a snorkeling adventure. It was a first for me, something I never saw myself doing - jump off a boat into open ocean, shark-filled waters, but I did it! And it was fun! And I never screamed once, which is more than I can say for Sam (haha). :)

For lunch some of us consumed more delicious seafood at 15th Street Fisheries. There was hardly a meal I did not eat fish or some sort of sea food. I was loving it and all that DHA for Kobe, his brain was lovin' it too.

In the afternoon all the boys (except Kobe) and Sam took their seats at Sun Life Stadium to cheer on the buckeyes which ended in an unlucky loss for us.

While the Buckeyes were going down in a defeat, the rest of us were at the beach. (And no matter what anyone says I refuse to rely on the superstition that if I would have stayed cramped up inside a hotel room with two little kids bursting with energy to watch the game on a small flat screen TV they would have won! Sorry Buckeyes, you'll just have to forgive me, for I went to the beach and I am not ashamed!) :)

After the beach, a late evening dinner. A saxophonist came by our table. He watched Cayman as she watched him perform. A lot of cuteness in that. Then she tilted her head down looking away, sad and shy and brought her hands up to cover her ears. Uhhhh, that's awkward.

Going home...

Another early flight at 7 a.m. The crew was tired.

It was lovely to be relaxed and not have to be on much of a schedule in Florida, but the time came to enter reality again. This trip was 3 weeks ago now and to sum it up I haven't blogged as much because my whole daily routine has changed greatly.

More on that later...

Ft. Lauderdale Vacation, Part 2

2011-09-30T08:19:00.004-04:00

Into the rental mini-van we loaded luggage and people.
And then loaded luggage and people again.
Two trips to get us all and our stuff to the hotel.

We stayed at Bahia Mar,
a hotel right off the beach.

Good gosh (!)
I hope Heaven is like this,
just less humid,
and the sand falls right off,
with no mess to clean up.

Complimentary lizards in the hotel bathroom.
We found one in ours,
Ryan and Andrea caught one in theirs.
I thought the little guy was cute.
Way, way better than if it was finding a spider! (Eek!)
I didn't mind him at all.
Finding a lizard in my bathroom
somehow felt like another thrilling reminder,
We're in Florida!!
Like looking out my window
and seeing a street lined with palm trees.
Ah!

That first evening we ate at Raw Bar,
a restaurant located off a canal.
We didn't arrive to it by boat though.
We drove the rental mini-van.
But we talked about how sweet
that would have been,
to have a boat,
live there,
and go to these places.

Raw oysters.
Kobe appreciated
mommy not having any,
otherwise I would have
taken a bite.
I will try new and different
things.

I partook of
the cooked ones.

The Oysters were opened up
and died
right before being cooked/served.
It's always a teensy bothersome
to have the knowledge of when my food died.
Yeah, don't over analyze me,
I don't always make sense.
But ya can't beat
the feeling of knowing
your sea food is fresh!
Another stimulating reminder - we're in Florida!!

Ft. Lauderdale Vacation, Part 1

2011-09-28T09:28:00.010-04:00

A 7 a.m. flight schedule. To be ready the day started at 4:30 a.m.

Kobe had a rocky sleeping night the night before. Nervous about flying I presume. I spent most of the night cuddling, swaying, and pacing our hotel room we stayed in next to the airport.

Ten of us all traveling together to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida - Mike, myself, our two kids, Mike's parents and sister, my brother, and our friends Ryan and Andrea. With a group that large and kids as young as ours it takes organization and strategy when traveling.

{arriving at the Detroit Airport}

{all smooshed in the elevator}

{boarding the airplane}

{Before take-off and even before all passengers were on the plane Cayman made use of her puke bag. Wrapped tightly, shut inside the bag we disposed of her stinky diaper. She waited til we had boarded the plane to ride the hershey highway.}

{The kids rode very well. Kobe slept most of the flight and there was less yelling than I had expected from Cayman.}

{And there it is - Florida!!}

Football Saturdays

2011-09-24T18:31:00.005-04:00

Shouting, clapping, cheering, and some jumping with the occasional throwing of a [plush] football.

What can be said except that Mike is quite animated, to say the least, when watching his buckeyes play football.

Kobe has progressed from crying to just staring at his daddy during his crazed outbursts. And today, even a smile evolved over this over acting display of enthusiasm.

*me shaking head*

You do know what this means, right?

Someday there will be another crazed football fan in this household.

And with an ornery smile, Mike reminds me, "This is the reason we make babies. To bring the world more buckeye fans."

Oh.kay.

Go Buckeyes!

She Will Not Be Outsmarted

2011-09-24T06:00:00.003-04:00

She stands next to me
at the bathroom counter,
each morning,
following my lead.

I brush my hair, she wants to brush hers.
I brush my teeth, she brushes hers.

One thing I don't do
that she insists on
repeatedly having done,
the reapplication of
toothpaste on her toothbrush.

She knows the drawer
where it is kept.

She reaches in.

Pulling the tube out
stretching arm
in my direction,
a nonverbal
request for more.

I playfully roll my eyes and smile,
"Again?? I just put
paste on your toothbrush!"

I take the tube
from her dainty hand,
pretending to squeeze
more onto
the bent and beaten up bristles,
then hand the toothbrush back.
It's the avenue a parent takes
sometimes in the coarse of
picking your battles.

But she will not
be tricked
or outsmarted.

She notices.
Stares at the bristles
wearing a serious expression.

Then turns it over
to look again.

One more taste
just to be certain.

"Yep! Just what I thought!
There is no toothpaste on here!"
The looks says it all
as she reaches back into the drawer
to retrieve the tube again
while eyeballing me.

And hands me
the toothpaste.

She will not be outsmarted!

Imagine Yourself as a Living House

2011-09-23T06:00:00.002-04:00

An angle on the changes God has us go through by C.S. Lewis:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house.

At first, perhaps you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you know that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised."

{The house seems better now-more of what you wanted for yourself}

"But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to?

The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

He intends to come and live in it Himself!" - C.S. Lewis

I read this excerpt from C.S. Lewis and it dug down deep and touched my heart. {I hope to have not offended anyone by adding pictures to illustrate the story.}

I read it on a recent morning when I recalled a specific prayer request our family petitioned of God several months ago. He is answering that prayer but I did not expect the journey that is coming along to bring us to that answered prayer. Truth is, sometimes the journey is just as much a part of the answer as the answer itself.

I know nothing of what it takes to construct and build a house. Where to place a joist, or what the heck is a joist even?

I can dream up house plans and have them drawn out but certainly I would never tell a builder how to do it step by step. I would surrender those plans to the builder and trust him to get it built accordingly to his expertise.

Therefore, I accept this season's journey in our family's life, the step by step process God has to bring us to the dream plans.

He is the expert builder.

Words That Can Change an Outlook

2011-09-22T08:44:00.002-04:00

I think about words a lot. Specifically, in the way they influence our thinking. Words have the power to shape and are heavily directed by our thoughts and what dwells below the surface. I write a lot mainly because I think a lot. Sometimes that thinking needs to be transfigured. So this is where I come, letting words guide me to a resolve. I love knowing inspiration is a two-way-street. My hope is to inspire and if I ever do that it is because I have a connection to a creative circuit of a constant flow of energy I draw from others who are far more amazing than I.

Lisa, is a friend and another Hydro mom that blogs at The Far Side of Complexity. She has transfigured many people's way of thinking, mine included. Her writing inspires. And yesterday she created a stirring with her writing. A good stirring, the productive kind that turns into something useful, like cream into butter. She wrote on a delicate topic and with care rocked a specific outlook for those Parents of a Handicapped Child (PHC) who might be struggling with a negative point of view. I loved her entry, I read it several times, to others and more than once just for myself! She's given me permission to share her words with you here on this spread of my own because no other words could eloquently state it better than she did.

I think you'll enjoy to read it too. They are words that can change an outlook, and that's exciting because with a better outlook comes a happier life.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Declaration

This past week I read a comment thread on Facebook that really bothered me. It started off with a mother saying how hurt she was that someone had stared at her disabled child. And from there on a whole slew of parents-of-handicapped-children (PHC's) joined in saying how rude people are and how people are jerks and how in this day and age there is just no compassion for disabled people.

Excuse me?

Out of the entire history of the world I am quite sure there has never been a time as wonderful as right now. I have a child with severe brain damage - and in the past it would have been expected that she be placed in an institution (though I'm quite sure I never ever could have/would have done that), but now - in this day and age - children like Elisabeth are given an education and therapies and opportunities.

It is so wonderful! And I find myself thinking each and every day how grateful I am to not only live now, but to live here - in the United States of America. How can any of us complain?

Yes, sometimes people do look or stare. But why is that a bad thing? Why is it immediately assumed that people are looking down on your child with disgust? (And yes, this is what the mothers in this particular comment thread were saying). It is okay for people to be curious about children like Elisabeth - it's human nature to wonder. And I just don't see how that is so wrong or bad.

Another comment that I read stated how they 'wished people would ask about their child rather than just stare'. But from what I have observed over the course of the past 4 years (the 4 years that I have been a part of the disabled community) that is not a simple task. If a stranger or acquaintance - or even a friend - asks a question, it is expected that they ask the right question, and that it is stated in a politically correct form.

For example:

I have read how someone should never ever say 'what's wrong with your child?'. Oh heavens, if you do there's a good chance you'll get an earful. Rather, it would be more politically correct to say 'what's your child's diagnosis?'

But it's all so silly really. Why must we play these games? If someone is asking about your child, they are doing it with good intentions; because they care. So why make them feel bad when no harm was intended?

And - taking it a step further - why does it matter if someone says, 'what's wrong with your child?'

What's wrong with the word wrong? Why are PHC's so afraid of that word? Because the truth is that there is something wrong. Take Elisabeth for example: her brain did not develop the way it was supposed to. She cannot walk or talk or eat. So therefore, there is something wrong with her. And that's okay. That does not lessen her value as a human being. It is simply a fact.

I would encourage all fellow parents-of-handicapped-children to stop playing these games; stop worrying about how someone asks a question and start being glad that they did ask a question. Be excited to share the story of your child. Help spread the joy that comes from knowing these blessed little spirits. Instead of taking offense, take the opportunity to give a warm smile to a passerby on the street. Help them to know that it is okay to wonder and furthermore, that it is okay to ask.

And please, oh please, instead of dwelling on what-might-have-been, choose to dwell on the miracles that are.

[My miracle.]

Kobe's 8 months old

2011-09-21T13:10:00.000-04:00

My Little Kobe,

Eight months old you turned yesterday!

I had the shameful thought of not writing this month's birthday letter, it's been busy around here. But I know how Mr. Time works. He will continue to march on bringing change.

You'll change.

And I will be grateful I made the time.

I have a feeling I could say in every month to come that it's busy. That part will not change.

Writing memories of you,
taking pictures,
these are the ways I take a fast moving pace and slow it down in a sliver of time so it's not all just a blur.

{1st time sitting up in a shopping cart, 7 months 1 week old.}

You are growing and changing so fast, memory cannot afford forfeiting any birthday month letter that highlights these special times.

So here I sit, letting everything else rest while you nap.

Sister is at preschool.

The house is quiet and there's a million things calling for me to turn my attention to.

But I cannot ignore what's on my heart - you my Little Boy.

I wanna say about how much I love you and how much you mean to me. It seems like just yesterday when I brought you home from the hospital! (Okay, enough with the typical mommy statements!)

You're such a good baby boy. Yes, you are. If Mommy gets angry at you it's just Mommy being impatient and grumpy. This past month has surfaced many of my imperfections. Yet you still love me. You still cry out for my arms and cling to my neck. I love that!

You are contributing to 'The Busy' around here. You are constantly on the go, my Love. Somehow I went from cuddling and holding you all day long, sitting you in one spot and confident to find you at that same place, to chasing you around, wrestling you during every single diaper change, and hovering as you wobble across every surface. You're gonna be a climber, we can already see that. Up on top, on all fours, you've climbed a shoe box, floor pillows, and toys. You pull yourself upright onto your knees now too. It's freaky how big you look to me when you do this. Aren't you still my tiny newborn?

Can I just freeze time and keep you a baby for a little bit longer? (I know, I know, more cliche mommy statements!) The past month has been a crash course in watching you grow up before my eyes. Every single day seems to bring something new, and every single day I am amazed at how quickly my baby is becoming a little boy.

Now that you are a true crawling machine, no more scooting around on your belly, and into everything, you are in training for the corrective use of the word "no" ! And I've got the crazy-mom-mind thing happening for me in which I yell the wrong kids' name first before arriving at the correct one. "Cayman! Er, Kobe! No!". My mom always did that. Never could understand why she was so scatter brained with us kids. Now I get it. :)

Still my very smiley little boy you are! You patiently wait for me to notice you looking at me, smiling, so when I do you can grin even wider. I giggle at the memory of it even now as I type, I adore you for that so much!

{Your 3 most common faces - surprised, happy, and drool face}

You love the floor vents throughout the house.

Bananas are your favorite to eat.

Being in water, touching water, playing with water, just being near water makes you happy. Florida was a great vacation for you. The warm ocean, the salt empowering buoyancy to your float in my arms put you right to sleep. Would you like a waterbed, my son? Would that possibly get you to sleep through the night? You wake up still, just once in the night. Progress is being made though (I think). Your in-the-middle-of-the-night snack was eliminated and gentle coaxing is done to encourage you to return to slumberland. Someday you'll learn to sleep through the night, just like someday you'll outgrow spitting up. I hope for these things. But even in their annoyances it's not so bad. I'd take broken up sleep, and extra laundry and floor cleaning any day because it means they are days that I am with you.

Those two top front teeth of yours finally made their appearance! Hooray!! You worked on them for a long time it seemed! They broke through on our vacation in Florida, just like you had one tooth come through while we were in Chicago a few months ago. I call these teeth, "Your Chicago tooth." "And your Florida teeth." And since you seem to teethe best and fastest while on vacation, I am taking this as a direct hint that you like vacationing. :) You are your father's boy for sure!

Well my toothy little wonder, I could write about you forever. You are one of my most treasured subjects to think on. But it is time for Mommy to spread herself out now to other areas needing to be tended to. But it's not so bad. If I go now and get some things done, there will be more time for cuddling and holding later. And by then Sister will be home from school and we'll sit all together reading books. It's a favorite of mine too!

And lastly, I wanna say, I love you to the moon and back my darling!

Your Mommy
xoxo

The Things That Happen When Posting Doesn't

2011-09-19T07:31:00.015-04:00

Surprise, it's me! A wildly busy month has trumped the time to share worthy anecdotes and witticisms here on this space of mine. Ordinary I shift the daily pace on the priority list to make time for blogging - laundry held off for one more day, floors swept later, toys stay trickled across the room.

However, there's been no allowance for priority shifting nor any free time around here. I know, I know you make time for the things you want to do and this is true, only slightly.

As soon as your house goes up for sale a bit of the comforts of home slip away as a place to stretch out, to just be and live. Tidy and clean all the time it is. Nothing left for 'later'.

September got crazier than expected. Many, many months back we made plans, of course not knowing at the time September would find us in the middle of a transitional phase - a new job, listing our house, and searching for the next place to call home.

The expected planned for September:

Best friends from Arizona, original Ohio-ians, flew in for a 10 day visit. We spent a couple nights at Kalahari Waterpark with them. It's never enough time when I'm with my best girlfriend Tammi. I love her so much! There was 5 adults and 7 kids to our shared suite. I believe that is called chaotic fun.

We did a family photo shoot for our friends...

Such troopers they were. On one of the last hottest days of the summer, gathered out in the blazing setting sun for a photo shoot, the first one done in several years for this family. It was so humid I had to wait for my camera lens to warm up to the outdoors to quit steaming up. So humid paper towels were retrieved to wipe sweat off brows. Yet in spite of the conditions several good smiles were given in something worthy of a frame.

Another photo shoot, Mike and I teamed up for a our second wedding...

An outdoor ceremony and white tent reception. The forecast called for rain, the dreaded precipitation on such an important event of a couple's day. But somehow bits of blue sky pushed through gray rain clouds to part peek-a-boo windows for the sun. The rain held off and the day was perfect! I was so glad for them. Such a beautiful couple! A stunning landscape, intense beauty in the sky, a flawless lawn alter, Him and Her and their love - the center of all things fine on that day.

We just returned from a trip to Ft Lauderdale, Florida for a four night stay. Ten of us went - our family of four, Mike's parents, his sister, my brother, and our good friends Ryan and Andrea. Mike's been planning this for awhile, storing up airline miles and watching for hotel specials. All with the heart of passion to cheer on his buckeyes at the Sun Life Stadium in Miami. We came home without a win on the record though but that's alright. We still got a little getaway to Florida out of it!

This month we learned Cayman's grant application for an iPad has been approved! She and us will have training on how to use it as a communication tool for her. Cayman is capable of complex thoughts but struggles in the ability to bring them out. We've seen frustration exerted in her due to this. She'll learn to use the iPad as an effective tool to let us know more of what's going on inside that sweet mind of hers. I think of it like riding a bike without pedals. You can still scoot along but not as effectively. She can think and communicate in her head but without talking and reduced precision in fine motor skills for signs, it's a struggle. The iPad will be a pedal to power her communication.

Mike went on his first business trip this month. At times he'll be traveling for his new job. I am sure this will feel difficult, especially in the beginning. However, it will boost our family times when we are at home together. The job and location are such a good move for our family, it will balance out and overall will get better once we are moved and settled.

Unexpected happenings this month:

Mike lost his iPod Touch. We've searched everywhere! It has not been found. He used it to check his email, facebook, play games, communicate with my calendar, organize his, and more. Such an item pretty much contains your brain and when lost disorientation ensues [for both of us].

Another big item lost this month, Cayman threw across our van her hearing aid mold the day we left for our Florida vacation. Again, we searched and searched, but it did not turn up. Nothing we could do about it and so Cayman went without aids in Florida. I made an appointment with the Audiologist for a refitting. That's in a week. It takes the molds two weeks to be made. So yeah, we're looking at a total of 3 weeks without hearing aids.

Trying to squeeze in one thing more of importance, Mike needs a new car and in his spare time has been test driving and shopping. His long commutes are made even longer by a vehicle with no working air conditioning, no heat, and a leaky sunroof. There's a lot of miles on his car and it's going on twelve years old. It's just time to get something else.

Cayman broke out with a terrible rash the week before our Florida vacation. She always gets it after being on an antibiotic and she was at the end of August for an ear infection. In the past it's been a stubborn rash that took months to clear up. However, after years of battling yeast skin infections for her and myself, I am finally understanding how to overcome them and this current rash of hers is nearly gone already!

So there you have it, Blog. All my excuses for being terribly neglectful. Multi-managing little people while running a house, and working on building a contribution to our family's income through photography, staying tuned into the things that make a good marriage, throwing in extras like a new job with a long commute and travel, selling a house and keeping it ridiculously cleaned and picked up all the time, and searching for the next place to live when living an hour away. This is our life right now. I will do my best to find my way back to blogging. And to Google Reader, I am sorry to you as well. I know you hold a vast amount of interesting and fun content for me to peruse, I'm just not there yet. I'll be back soon, I promise. I so dearly miss you! But for now life calls for me to be everywhere but here.

Hello? Anyone home at this blog?

2011-09-11T22:46:00.006-04:00

Inspired Home

2011-09-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

If our current house sells before our next wedding anniversary (Good gosh I sure hope it does(!), that's 7 months away!!) this will make eight moves for Mike and I within eight years of marriage!

Jaw-dropping crazy, isn't it?

It's a lot of moves!

We have lived in many of places, of all sorts of variances. Small to large, rundown to nice.

Our first place, a tiny one bedroom duplex, was home for the first 6 months of our marriage.

We had little in the bank and only simple possessions. Mike was a college student and I was building my clientele in my massage therapy career. We lived a step below the bare minimum, trying to nurture some form of a savings.

In our first home, in the tiniest of tiny bathrooms, there hung a 'custom' window covering - a used dark hunter green plastic shower curtain cut crookedly down to size and strung up by shower curtain hooks on a tension rod. It was awful!

"It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." -Eleanor Roosevelt

A trip to the nearest craft store rendered a scrap piece of fabric, a pretty shade of blue, for just 25 cents. At the bottom of the sack traveling on the passenger seat back to the duplex, that soft blue tight weaving of threads made me happy. At the duplex I measured, cut, sewed, and hung our new little curtain for the bathroom. It was my first nesting of many nestings over the years. I stood back and looked.

Inspired by my heart and done within my means, I thought our first home was beautiful. And because of that it was.

Two moves, a few years later, we bought a house. A big beautiful house! 2800 square feet, everything brand spanking new in the kitchen. That upgrade had nothing to do with the fact that that house became my own inspired home. I cooked dinner nearly every night, setting a place for my husband and I, and occasionally slow-dancing to Frank Sinatra songs while clearing the table together - that is home.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ~Matthew 6:20

Through all the places we have lived God uses the journey to continually teach me and show me new ways of life. And this is what I believe to be true - every house has the potential to be a home. Whether you live in a castle, a mansion, new or old built house, an apartment, a mobile home, or anything in between. Home is not about square footage, granite countertops, crown molding, flawless decor, or custom window treatments. It's not so much about the physical structure, rather it has everything to do with the hearts and attitude of those living within the space. There is a false promise that if you buy into "things" it will be better, it will be happier. The options are: You can have all those "things" and be happy or you can have all those "things" and be miserable. Quite frankly it is not about the "things" that make the life.

A Buckeye Post

2011-09-03T12:30:00.004-04:00

Buckeyes are playing their first game of the season right now!
And I'm blogging. :)
But it's all good
cause this is a Buckeye post.

Go Bucks!!